My eyes my eyes

I've been studying economics since 11:00 this morning. It's now 9:00 at night. I have only gotten up to go gymming, during which I took a stack of lecture notes to read while on the elliptical. I didn't go swimming and I haven't watched any tv shows or videos today. I have browsed a few websites here and there, but since it's the weekend, nothing is updated anyway. I've spent a lot of time going through my iTunes, clicking next next next and occasionally rediscovering a song that I love. But all in all ... it's been nearly 10 hours of staring at ONE FUCKING TEST.

I'm also really super fat. Ever since Thanksgiving, I have been eating kind of randomly and exercising far less than usual. The thing is that I exercise more than a lot of people, so I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have to realize that I need to exercise a lot more just to stay the size other people are without trying. Chrystal doesn't do any form of exercise, naps all day, and gorges on fattening food just about every day, but she went home for Thanksgiving and was told she looked thinner. *curses the heavens*

My entire meal today consisted of:
Breakfast - cup of hot chocolate (it comes out of a machine where you just push a button and it comes out of a tube. I think it's really bizarrely fast food-ish, but deceivingly tasty), 1 pancake, 1 grapefruit, 1 orange, some scrambled eggs, 1 English muffin with butter
"Meals" After - Apple, Cinnamon Twist bread, 1 Laughing Cow Cheese with crackers, grapes, small mozerrella fresca sandwich

If you think that's a lot, tell me so I can reduce my meals. Otherwise, I look at that, and because most of them can't qualify as meals, I think that it's fairly little food. Yet, I just looked at my stomach and HOLYCRAP it's effing huge. My period better come soon.

I don't know if I want to subject myself to another economics final, start a demography practice final, or just sit and stare at the ceiling. I don't really want to gym again. The cold attacks me when I go outside.

I can tell my body size is going to go downhill very very soon. I've already used up the "backup thinness" that I had from post-Thanksgiving. I probably won't be able to lose as much weight as I'd like before the boys come up to Berkeley (if they do). Once they're here, I will have to take them to all the delicious foods Berkeley has to offer, which will knock me off my diet of spinach leaves and fruit. I also won't be able to exercise. Then we'll be off to Lake Tahoe, where we will eat god knows what, and our only exercise will be tredging through snow. Once we come home from that, it's eating out in Arcadia and stuffing myself with my mother's cooking. Then, if I visit colleges, it's more random eating. Then I'll be back in Berkeley, New Year's will have passed, so the motivation to follow a diet resolution will have passed, and I'll be super fat.

Sometimes it sucks to know myself so well.

One of the infuriating things about Grey's Anatomy is that Meredith Grey knows she can't commit to a relationship. So every time something goes wrong, she blames it on that. But she never actually changes her behavior (although that's changing ever so slowly in recent episodes) because she just goes "I'm dark and twisty inside and that cannot change." It's annoying because you look at that and as a viewer, you think "well if you know what's wrong with you, just change it dumbass!" But I guess if I know what my diet pitfalls will be, and I just let that happen, then I have no reason to hate on Meredith Grey.

Isn't it fun how I can connect tv to my life?