Emotions

I wonder why I don't cry about things that I feel like I should be crying about. I cry when I get very angry and am fighting with someone. I do not know why - I guess my body gets overwhelmed with emotions and just releases everything. There have been instances where I tear up and I'm not even sad at all. Usually I'm actually half laughing. Sometimes I will feel sad and I think to myself, if I just give it a good cry, maybe I will get over things faster. So I say in my head, ok cry! But nothing happens.

Instead, I decide to cry for television, which seems rather pathetic. I won't cry for my own personal things, but I'll tear up when Buffy dies at the end of season five. Or when the Panthers win state, or when Ross looks for Rachel in the airport at the end of the series. And I've teared up when Rory gives back Logan's engagement ring, and when a contestant on Biggest Loser laments over his fatness, and I'm sure I've cried over some scene in Dawson's Creek or Felicity.

I should probably study now. I want to go to SF tomorrow and buy boots with the $82 I saved from finding my ID card. But my twin Laura informed me that that is the exact reasoning the Shopaholic character would have used to buy something. Laura also says that my smile looks like this:

Laura: Smile for me
*I smile the "small smile" non-smile*
Laura: Come on! Smile for me! OH WAIT. WAS THAT IT?! I thought you were giving me a strange look

False Alarm

I found my ID card. It was in my resume binder, because I had taken it to the career fair yesterday. -_- How hilarious, because before this happened, I was walking to class and wondering to myself how much of bad luck is really attributable to stupidity. In my case, I'd say about 80%.

I should not have washed my hair

On Chinese New Year's a few days ago, I was about to go to bed after taking a shower, and my roommate was like "you washed your hair?! I thought you weren't supposed to." I went, "WHAT?!?!" and he said "actually, I don't know. But I washed my hair too, so whatever." I kind of like to be superstitious. I wouldn't say I AM superstitious, but I think it's fun to be from time to time even if you don't fully believe it.

Well, I totally think I have bad luck this new year. Which sucks because I am not even all that Chinese.

I lost my freaking ID card today. I am pretty sure I lost it while doing sit ups, because I was moving my jacket around and it probably fell out. DAMN YOU, SIT UPS!!! I realized this because I was planning to go to Ici and get DARJEELING ICE CREAM! But as I was preparing my pockets with keys, id card, and money, I realized my id card was nowhere to be found. ARGH! First, I have waited MONTHS for Ici to have Darjeeling ice cream again. It is by far my most favorite flavor of all time, and I am willing to bet it can be found nowhere else, except for those rare occasions at Ici. I have programmed Ici's number into my cell phone and I call it from time to time and listen to the flavors. TODAY WAS THE DAY! But I have failed.

Second, my id card is crucial for A LOT of things AND it's very expensive to replace. I have to pay $25 plus the fee for a new bus pass, which is like $50 I think. Paulo said I should just wait and see if someone will return the id card to me, but I don't think I can go for several days without gymming, especially when I feel this fat. HOW WILL I GO GROCERY SHOPPING?! Oh god, I only have two apples left.

I'm particularly annoyed at myself because every day, as I'm walking back from the gym, I stick my hands into my pockets and make sure I have everything: id card, keys in left pocket and eye drops, ipod in right pocket. I don't think I did that today, of all days. GOOD FUCKING GOING, SELF.

This does not qualify as bad luck, but since I am complaining, I have been doing very poorly gym-wise. I still go everyday at 8am, but I kind of just do the elliptical half-assedly. I am at the "I'll always be fat no matter what" stage. Winter break really killed me. I gained my stomach bulge back, when I had been planning to get AWESOME ABS by the end of break. How disappointing.

I feel a lot of conflicting emotions this semester. Sometimes I feel very lonely, but other times I am extremely happy because I am hanging out with friends or making an effort to make new friends. Sometimes I feel very productive, but then other times I feel like I have wasted so many hours of my life playing tetris. And sometimes I'm like "I shouldn't worry about internships so much," and other times I'm like "OH GOD I'm going to graduate and live at home. Without a job. I'm going to be a failure!" I am really stressed out all the time and I can tell because pimples are starting to form in unfortunate places and I have yet to have a full night of sleep since coming back to Berkeley. I have only three goals this semester:

1) Get an internship
2) Do not die in freak accident before internship begins
3) Make new friends

I am very sad about my ID card. $75 could have been used for a pair of boots that I saw last week in SF.

A box of donuts

Several people have probably heard me crave a box of donuts. Not just donuts, but specifically, I have been longing to go to a donut store and pick out a dozen donuts. I don't know how it got into my head, but one day before winter break, I just suddenly remembered how much I enjoyed waking up on Saturday mornings and going to the donut store with my dad. Of course, he would always let me choose whatever donuts I wanted. I would always choose the ones I liked first, and then he would choose the chocolate ones for my brother (after making sure that I agreed with his choices), and then he would choose some neutral donuts that everyone could enjoy.

My favorite donut now is probably a long twisty one with chocolate glazing on it. But when I was young, I would always choose one of those cake donuts with white frosting and sprinkles. And then I would choose a twisty one with sugar on top. Now, I hate cake donuts because I think they are too heavy. I am making myself very hungry just writing this blog.

Well, now there is no reason for me to buy a box of donuts. I have worked very hard to avoid even eating a single donut for the past few years. It was a particularly difficult feat when Crossroads served free, unlimited donuts from King Pin. But over break, I realized that what I want isn't just a donut - it's the freedom to choose TWELVE! donuts. I kind of want that feeling of choosing things that people will enjoy, and ideally, people would say to me "you have excellent donut selection" afterwards. That is why I wanted to buy a box of donuts.

But the opportunity to buy donuts never arose during winter break. Which is a shame, because I really wanted to try Lucky Donuts and Peacock Donuts again. I didn't want some fancy donut that would be overglazed and pumped with preservatives. I just wanted cheap, normal donuts.

Well, I will be buying a box of donuts in a week! How exciting. It will be SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!! And I am extremely excited for it. I was like "OMG CAN I BRING DONUTS" and Caroline might make her delicious homemade pizza. This is combining two things I wanted to do: buy a box of donuts and have a Superbowl Party! I have wanted to attend/host a Superbowl Party for many years. But TMV is not a very sporty group. I always kind of wished that I would date someone who was into sports and would share all their sports knowledge with me. And I would throw annual Superbowl parties complete with alcohol and chips and dip and pigs in a blanket and delicious finger foods. Yum...

Big 4 Forum

Today was the Big 4 Forum. It was from 6-8 and I was very happy when I paused and looked at my cell phone and found that it was already 7:47. I was afraid that I would end up leaving after only half an hour because I wasn't able to connect with anyone. I left around 8:15 after they started turning off the lights to kick everyone out.

I'm extremely tired but I will shower and then submit my resume/cover letters. Actually, maybe I should submit them when I'm more awake, in case I make some disastrous mistake.

I was pretty hungry when I got back, because I had last eaten at 4pm and it was a banana. I decided that I'd start a tradition for the semester. Every time something good happens in my quest for an internship, I will treat myself to something delicious

Reward: Top Dog Garlic Frankfurter, $3.00

Spring Semester 2009

School has started. Today was very similar to my winter break days, except for the going to school part. Well, even then. It's a lot of zoning out. I went to bed early last night, because there was nothing to do. But I guess I felt talky so I ended up talking to Jon for an hour and then it was 11:30 and I was like OMG I MUST SLEEP! I woke up and it was overcast, which meant today would be a good day. I ended up getting out of bed at 7:45, when I thought it was probably around 9. But that was nice, because I went to the gym.

It always takes some time to get used to different ellipticals. The elevations are always set differently. There were tonsss of people at the gym. I hope next week will weed out the fake gymmers, who are only going because it's the beginning of the semester and they don't have work to do.

Had class at 11-3. The way I write down my schedule, I only write the time and the room number. So the entire day I wasn't very sure what class I was about to enter. I have an inexplicable dislike for Haas already. I am one of those people who got in and just can't wait to get out. I have heard of many people who fell into this pattern. Two more semesters! Looking at my schedule, it seems like I will only ever be in one of four rooms for all of my Haas classes. I don't even know the room numbers, I just think of them as "the one I had business ethics" or "the one I had business communications" or "the one where I was terrified for an hour and a half."

Someone out there must want me to be miserable on the day of the Big 4 Forum. Which is TOMORROW OH GOD! I have been waiting for this day for the past two years. And unfortunately, on Thursday, January 22nd, I will be fat, pimpley, and have about eight canker sores in my mouth. At least the eight are small and I can still kind of talk. But sigh. These are all the things that could have gone wrong.

I miscalculated the time it would take for my rice to cook! Now my salmon is not ready to be eaten. BOO. I wanted to go to a club event today, which started 30 minutes ago. It lasts until 8. I guess I can stroll in late.

I hate this apartment. There is once again a layer of dust around everything. There are very few spots that I like, and it is only because I have cleaned them thoroughly. These places include: my room, but not the closet and not too close to the window, the dining room table, but only the two seats that I occupy, and the bathroom sink. All other places are possibly contaminated with disease and bacteria.

HUGE HEADACHE. Is this the cause of my sick apartmentmate? Not blowdrying my hair last night? Only eating bananas for meals because I haven't had time to grocery shop? Inhaling some poisonous fume in the apartment? Could be a mixture of all.

I totally did not realize yesterday was Inauguration Day until I got to the airport and saw it on the news. I feel extremely bad because I had my dad take me to the airport at like 9 and he probably got back at 11. He probably missed the entire inauguration, and even though I don't know whether he voted for Obama, he is the kind of person who would have watched the entire celebration. He likes to watch all of these big events, including the funeral of ex-President Ford. Or whoever was the most recent president to die. My dad has so little going on in his life, I feel like I deprived him of some huge event. :(

Now I will watch Aliens in America. I just watched like four HIMYM episodes with commentary. See, just like winter break. Except my dad is not here to cut me an apple

I HATE BREAK

OHHHH MYYYY GOOODDDDD I cannot STANDDDDD being in my house right now. I want to go back to BERKELEY PLEASEEEE. I just want to spend an entire day cleaning my apartment. And then another day walking around streets. And then another day shopping. AGHHHH WHY do I always decide to go back as late as possible for every break? It is very stupid of me. I always think "I want to spend as much time as possible with friends!" but usually by the time other UCs go back to school, everyone is kind of tired of seeing each other every day and there is no longer that desperate need to hang out. And when they come back in the last week before I leave, no one really wants to do anything, whereas I am stuck at home having run out of fun ideas. So other people are kind of content relaxing in their houses while I'm sitting in the living room, staring at the trees in my backyard. True story.

It also brings up one of the things I hate, which is when I realize that I'm depending on certain people for happiness. I usually respond with "well eff that, I'm going to go out and find new friends and diversify my social tree" but I can't do that when I'm stuck in Arcadia because there is no way to meet new people, especially if I'm just going to go back to school in a few days.

Even worse is that I don't even really know what I COULD be doing with my free time. I have tried thinking of things I could do with my free time, but there is nothing I want to do. I feel no motivation to do anything, which is most depressing since I'm sure there are several ways I could improve myself. But I can't even muster up the energy to think of a list, because instead I just stare at my computer and decide that making this list is not worth my considerably vast amounts of free time.

I'm kind of tired of thinking about my life and analyzing things I've done in the past and things I want to do in the future. No shows to watch. Agh. AGHHH I SAY

TWO MORE DAYS. And then Tuesday will be a headache. And then school will begin. At this point, I can't even imagine myself doing homework or having a life. How do people live with unemployment? I'm so annoyed at having a meaningless life. WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

I'm an accomplisher

YEAH. WHAT?

I got like 9 million in tetris! I failed to look at the level I ended on, but it was above 100. WOOOOTTT

Vacation Boredom

It's the time of break when I get tired of having so much free time to myself and kind of wish I were back at school. Except, I don't want it to be the beginning of the semester. Ideally, I would be able to end break and somehow be right in the middle of the semester. Probably right before midterms, when I still naively believe that I could get a 4.0 for the semester. But after all the textbook buying mayhem and settling into new schedules. Also, I want to be past the internship interviews.

I kind of want to be back in school just so I'll have the opportunity to make friends. I feel like my first semester was wasted. I am also much much fatter than when winter break started (nothing new). I'm at the point where I feel disgusted at myself and the thought of going on a raw vegetable diet and exercising three times a day does not seem so ridiculous.

(Award shows: a good reminder that you could always be a little thinner)

I can't tell if I'm just visiting the same websites more frequently or not, but it seems like no one updates anything anymore. Not the TMV facebook group or blogs, and I've run out of tv shows to watch. Sigh. It fuels my desire to get back to school, where I can have interaction with actual human beings instead of depending on digital information for excitement.

So it's 11:30, no one is in Arcadia, I have no books to read or shows to watch or facebooks to stalk. What should I do?

Scary Dream

One more week of winter break! I am getting stressed out about school already. I need to find textbooks! I've gotten progressively cheaper over the semesters, while textbooks are getting more and more expensive.

Another measure of my stress level: the fact that I had a nightmare-ish dream about getting an internship last night. It involved me going to San Francisco and walking around, and then realizing that I had an interview at 2:00, and it was already 1:30. Lucky for me, I was wearing acceptably business casual clothing, although not the usual suit I wear for interviews/career fairs. So I raced over to the financial district and rode the elevator up. All the while stressing about the fact that I did not have an extra copy of my resume or references. I made it to my interview, where I spoke to a very judgmental man who kind of acted like my marketing professor. Then I woke up and felt very freaked out. I hope this is not one of those dreams that turn out to come true. HAHA

Fashion Question

If it is 60 degrees on an overcast day in California, is it ok for a male jogger to wear leggings under basketball shorts? My eyes say no. I didn't even know men could wear leggings. In the men's section, are there leggings for sale? Or did he have to steal them from his girlfriend?

I'm still in San Diego! The two statements that have run through my mind the most this break:
1) Mmm... cookie
2) WTF WHY DID I EAT SO MANY COOKIES?!

I finished two of my six cover letters while I was in SD. I sent them to my cousin to proofread, and will wait until he responds before I do anything else. I am kind of sick of looking at Microsoft Word. I am a little excited for school, which happens every semester. And every semester, about four weeks in, I hate my life.

Currently, I have no shows to watch, which is always a weird moment in my life. Nothing to marathon, and nothing to look forward to. I hate hiatus time. The Biggest Loser started, but it will take a few weeks before I start rooting for any of the contestants. It is the biggest season ever, meaning the fattest contestants ever. I don't really like it. I'm sure they will lose a lot of weight, but I imagine that at the finale, they will still not look super thin. Unlike Michelle of last season, who started at 242 pounds and now weighs MY WEIGHT. (While I'm finding it impossible to even lose five pounds.) It's more rewarding to watch fairly obese people become even more fit than you, instead of watching fatally obese people become less likely to keel over and die.

I'm going to eat ice cream. Because my mouth is bored.

Damages

I am currently marathoning Damages on various Chinese websites. I don't think it's that great, even though it's well-liked by critics and was nominated for some awards. If I had been watching this in real time on FX, I don't know if I would have tuned in every week. At a glance, the show seems very complicated because there are many different timelines, but Damages is kind of like Alias in that it is only as complicated as you want it to be. Like, in Alias, they have a lot of names and a lot of things going on, but if you choose to view each episode as "Sydney must retrieve an object and beat down anyone who gets in her way," it is simplified. Similarly, you can choose to look at Damages as "pretend everything happened in a single day" because it really doesn't matter when something happened.

I feel like Glenn Close is a cheaper version of Meryl Streep. Except Glenn Close instills a lot more fear in me. I am not really surprised by any of the twists. I can't tell if it's because I have watched too many shows with twists and I am no longer surprised, or if I paid more attention to the season recap than I thought. The show is very creepy though. Even the theme song creeps me out. I feel like I could get shot, stabbed, or run over at any second. I have learned from this show that I never want to be a witness to a high-profile case.

Between the time of starting this blog and this paragraph, I finished the season. What tv show should I watch now, while I'm in SD?! Just kidding, I should be working on cover letters. I was really wondering how the heck they would be able to write a second season, but looking at the previews, it seems like second season will be pretty cool.