Summer Costs

I have completed one of four pages of my essay. At least I wrote the introduction, which is generally the hardest part for me. I spent the last few hours cleaning my sublet. How did I accumulate so much stuff living here? I have no idea how I even moved all this stuff in here to begin with.

After packing up, I realized that it's July 31st. Which means ... I can finally make a chart of my summer costs! Which is something I've been waiting to do since summer ever started.

This took another half hour. I really want to buy a book on microsoft Excel and learn every little function that it can do. It was on my summer goals list, but I've basically done zero on my summer goals list.


Boo. The resolution went down. Anyway, if you start from the (pi/2) point, (I'm not a huge nerd I just don't know how else to describe it) the sections go in order of the legend from top to bottom. I sorted the data from smallest to largest and the numbers are dollar amounts of how much I spent. Travel was the smallest, and consisted of the Bart fares to go to Redwood Shores for work and random trips. Other includes shopping for myself, sometimes clothing, sometimes things for the apartment. Groceries means anything that I bought from Trader Joe's or Berkeley Bowl and did not consume immediately. Sadly, my groceries were just a little under the Food amount, which refers to all the times I ate out with people.

I rarely eat out, and only twice was it by myself. One was a week ago when I gave into cravings and bought some frozen yogurt at Yogurt Park after class. The second was today when I was insanely hungry but already ate most of the food in my sublet, so I went to Cheese N Stuff. Imagine how much more I would have spent if I ate out more often like the average American. My groceries bill is probably lower than others because the only things I buy are boxes of cereal, milk, bread, apples, and grapes. Which is really what I eat every day.

The meal plan is cheating because it qualifies as food but since my mom paid for it, I count it as something separate. I guess technically it would qualify under eating out.

Rent is over HALF of my costs. I read somewhere that you're supposed to spend 28% of your income on your rent. I say that I don't have an actual income, so this doesn't mean as much. I could be sad that rent is such a large percentage, but I think it's actually because I don't spend very much in other things, so that's why the percentage is so inflated.

I think the most interesting one is TMV. It's my freaking SECOND largest expenditure, and I counted it as any gas cost of traveling back home (since that's really the only reason I go home), ate out with TMV, or traveled with TMV. Damn. I realized just a few months ago how much money I spend with TMV, but that is a CRAP load of money when compared to the other numbers. $100 is for the cost of buying Lake Tahoe Rafting pictures, but at the same time, if I hadn't paid for that, I would have paid about that amount in gas anyway. So... wow. Maybe I should start spending less when I go home.

I really doubt you found that as interesting as I did. The sad thing is that I had taken the summer job planning to make a little extra money while offsetting the cost of living here. I haven't gotten all of my paychecks yet, but right now I've actually spent more than I've made. Which means I LOST money after working several weeks full-time and killing my eyes, sanity, and love for work. Hopefully when I get all of my checks, I'll at least break even.

I didn't realize how much money I lose from missing a day of work. I didn't go to work about five times, and that turns out to be like $500 that I didn't make, which is a lot for just FIVE days. Also, I hadn't really calculated taxes, which is a huge amount. >:O! Now that I'm paying for my own stuff and paying closer attention to the taxes the government takes out, I get super pissed when I hear about inefficiencies in the government.

So many posts, so little time

Ok, this is the most stressed I've been in a while. I decided that I would go back home with Alvin this weekend. It is the most phenomenally terrible idea ever, and I know it, but the ball is already rolling and I can't stop it. Reasons I really should have just said no:

1) I was supposed to go to work on Friday and now I'm not going to, which means losing another day of pay and completely ruining the carpool plan and pissing off a few people
2) My Business Ethics paper is due on Wednesday, but I can't go to class Wednesday so I need to turn it in on Monday. But now that I'm going home, I have to finish my paper by TOMORROW. My 8-10 page paper that is worth 40% OF MY GRADE
3) I have gotten FATTER in the past few days, and I consumed a HUGE dinner today. And sadly I DON'T have $22,000 a month to get miraculously fit
4) I need to clean the new apartment and move all my shit in! Preferably by Thursday as well

So for once, it's like ALL THE STRESSES in my life ever are coming down on me. I really don't know what's more important to me: my friends, my body size, my grades, or my new apartment. They are all very equally weighed.

I think my plan for tomorrow is:
1) Wake up early, eat breakfast at the dining commons. Healthy eating, check
2) Go to the apartment and clean it (sweep, mop). Clean apartment, check
3) Go to the gym, shower. Exercise, check
4) Go to class. Learn things, check
5) WRITE MY PAPER. But I now realize the flaw in this plan is that I plan to write my paper at like MIDNIGHT. Will have to think about this a little more.

OMG APARTMENT!

I got the keys to my new apartment! FINALLY. But I'm so swamped with stuff to do (club stuff, work, homework, packing up the sublet, cleaning the apartment) that I can't just move in immediately. I went in to look at it and while they didn't change the carpet, which is what I was hoping for, I'm so excited! Without all of our stuff moved in, the place looks HUGE. I've spent the last two months dreaming about all the ways I would clean the apartment once I moved in. But already, I can feel myself thinking "eh... it's ok if I leave it like that I guess..." WHICH NO. I cannot allow that to happen! I want to somehow erase the mysterious stains at the corners of the floor.

If I did everything I want to do to the place though, it would probably be $100-200 more. Divided by three it wouldn't be THATTT bad but I don't think my two male roommates will enjoy buying the things I think would make the apartment awesome (like a nicer shower curtain or a fresh bath mat or cute picture frames).

I'm currently at Berkeley Eric's place right now, using his computer to blog while he cooks. HAHA Why is it that my generation has more male cooks than female? Maybe I just belong to a certain group of people. I used to think I would like to learn how to cook (I still somewhat hold that grand vision) but this feeling of coming home after work to sit around and waiting for someone to lay food on the table just feels too nice.

I went in to look at the apartment and see what Amy (the previous tenant/my oldest friend by age) had left me. How dumb of me - just two days ago I had gone to Target with Jon and bought a bunch of cleaning supplies, thinking they were the most important things. So I got a broom, a Swiffer mop, toilet cleaner, and a toilet scrub. Turns out that she had left all of that AND MORE. Basically everything that I had bought, she left. X_X Oh well.

I'm looking forward to not living in the sublet, but I'm not looking forward to moving stuff. Mainly my fridge, which I dread having to drag down a flight of stairs. Moving is such a bitch. But at least now, I don't have to use the restroom in public places, because I hate going to the sublet bathroom. And instead of trying to sleep with loud international students yelling, I now get to sleep with random college students yelling in the parking lot next door. I will somewhat miss having the luxury of dropping something on the ground and thinking "whatever." There's like a handful of Cheerios scattered around my sublet room that I never bothered to pick up. It will be the mark I leave behind.

I'm kind of tired. If I were in my sublet I would crawl into bed but I think I have to entertain my host.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

I'm not one of those people who worship Joss Whedon and would kiss his toes or whatever but I would watch anything he makes. :D Plus, Neil Patrick Harris!

What a crazy ad

I spent the last hour trying to write a blog entry that was more thoughtful but I didn't like it very much so I just deleted it. Totally ate up my nap time, so now I know I will fall asleep in discussion, which is ten minutes from now. But I still feel like posting so this is what I've wanted to say for like a week now.



I don't remember how I ended up watching this ad on youtube, but when I saw it I was IMPRESSED. Whatever marketing team made this ad, omg. If more tv ads were like this, I think my head might explode.

There's just CRAZY cross promotion going on. It's a little reminder that Disney owns EVERYTHING (ABC and teen stars). The ad has the obligatory fast montage, limited dialogue, stroke-inducing strobe lights, crazy dancing, shots of people in pain and suffering, all shown under a catchy pop song by VANESSA HUDGENS. I don't watch the show so I'm always surprised when it ends up at the top of the ratings, but damn. You have a teen star that gets the 0-18 demographic interested in a show that's already successful with the 18-geriatric demographic.

And now I have to go off to class. Yes, this is what I think about in my free time.

When I Grow Up

Yesterday I went on a day out with some of the floormates. Finally! I remember before the year ended we had a huge list of things we wanted to do and now none of us can remember anything on the list. I only vaguely remember going to some outlet, camping on the beach, visiting each other's houses, going to Monterey Bay... As of today, the only things I've done with them was yesterday's adventure, birthday dinners at Cheeseboard and Crepevine, and one random get-together. I'd be more disappointed but I'm probably part of the reason why we don't do anything.

So yesterday we ate at Gregoire's (DELICIOUS even though they fucking didn't put my order in the big bag and Eric had to drive me back) then set out for Half Moon Bay, which is a beach in SF. Crossed Bay Bridge and we all agreed that Bay Bridge is way better than Golden Gate. It just gets a lot less attention. The beach was not very exciting but I was just happy to drive there. Since we left early we decided to go to SF and do something touristy, so we went to Ghiradelli Square and ate dinner there and had some delicious Ghiradelli desserts.

I never listen to the radio so yesterday was the first time in a long time that I've heard any new songs. Basically whenever I go home to Arcadia, I hear a bunch of new songs, download them, and by the time I go back to Arcadia again, there's an entirely new set of songs playing. Yesterday I heard a whole bunch that I liked. Basically every song, I'd ask Paulo "who sings this?" So yay!

One of the songs was Pussycat Dolls' - When I Grow Up. I think it's ironic that they have a song about being famous and being noticed, but I have absolutely no idea who any of them are. I know the lead singer's name is Nicole, but I have no idea how to spell her last name. If I passed any of them on the street, I'd probably think "wow that girl is kind of trashy. But she looks pretty fit so that's ok."



What the heck is Nicole ripping off her shoulders?

I think Britney Spears was supposed to be in this video but they cut her. Five years ago, I can't imagine anyone cutting Britney Spears out of anything. Today I saw a (recent) picture of her.



You might be thinking "How can she smoke in front of her child?" Which is what the article I took this photo from is about. But I'm thinking: HOW DOES SHE HAVE ABS? I've wanted abs for about half a decade. She loses her abs, gets kind of flabby, then regains her abs in about a year! WTF.

Also, how was this photo taken? I think some photographer was perched on a tree outside her home. Those tiles look very nice.

I should sleep now. Eek. I was supposed to start my essay but I haven't. I was supposed to plan out my speech while swimming but halfway through, my mind shut down. I'm going to Jonathan's tomorrow so I can EAT SOUPLANTATION! Every weekend I IM him and go "SOUPIE?" and we make plans and then cancel them. A small part of me always wants to cancel right after I say I want to go, because I should not be going to buffets. But I think I can control myself...

Famous last words.



Here's a picture of Gregoire's. It's a gourmet French takeout restaurant. HAHA I need to start making a list of delicious restaurants I want to try out next year. I want to go out with someone, 20% because I think it's about time, 50% because I'm lonely, and 30% because I just want an excuse to eat out more often.

Lies

My body is in a lot of pain again. I did not realize that pushups would hurt my body so much. It's also very hot in Berkeley and I don't want to do anything. However, I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due, 5 reading assignments, a speech to write, and an article to find, read, and analyze.

Success: I refused to eat a donut or slice of pizza, although I wanted to
Failure: I look pretty fat today. Evilllll alcohol and Ghiradelli shake from Ghirdaelli Square (which is not that great of a tourist location)

Hello!

I'm getting fatter every day. I think I can count the number of days I've been happy with my body size on two hands. Kind of sad. I tried taking an abs&back class today and it totally kicked my ass. The class taught by "Shane" is not very good - it assume you already have crazy abs. The one taught by Sornam is good. I'm pretty certain I won't wake up feeling sore, whereas after Sornam's class, I couldn't move when I woke up. Too bad Sornam only comes once a week. I didn't realize that different instructors have different routines for classes of the same name. It makes me want to go to all the classes, so I become expert on who teaches well and who does not.

I should go to sleep soon. It's freaking 3:11! I still feel like it's 11:00. Time passes so quickly when you drink. I ate Top Dog a few hours ago. Best hot dog ever. Garlic! garlic something. Alvin is sleeping in one of my beds right now. I feel good that for once I am taking care of him when he is drunk instead of the other way around.

I will only write this because I'm like 99% certain he doesn't read this blog. But we left Chrystal's party to walk someone home and we went to Top Dog and then walked back. By this time, he was pretty drunk and I was just clearing up from my drunken haze. I didn't pass out! Yay. But all I had was one beer, a shot, and a cup of sangria, which was pretty strong. Oh shit. Maybe I shouldn't write this if people will be looking for reasons to not employ me next year. Well, by the time it's recruiting season I'll probably have written 30 new posts and who is going to sit there reading through all my posts? HOPEFULLY NOT!

Anyway, I started asking him "are we close friends?" and stuff. It is my version of taking advantage of someone. I still can't really tell that drunk people just tell the truth. Everyone says they do, but even when I'm "drunk" I can still lie. Or at least keep my secrets. Alvin and Chrystal both wanted to "fuck me up" but I really can't bring myself to drink that much. Alvin says it is because I'm too in control of my life. Good for me though.

Basically Alvin and I walked up and down the streets of Berkeley sloshing around our cups and going "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!" Which made me happy because for the past two years I've always wondered how he viewed me. Sometimes he is pretty assy to me and last time I got super pissed but then realized I was probably PMSing so I held back on bitching at him. I keep touching my cell phone thinking it is my mouse. I don't really have a best friend but I don't think it's a total lie to say that he is my best friend, if that makes sense. Maybe guywise, although I am very close to Eric, but that may be because we just always do things with each other. Maybe girlwise I am closest to Caroline? There are a lot of different girl levels.

There is Angelica who I think would be my lifelong friend and I would tell her anything but we don't see each other very much because she is very busy pursuing her career of being an insanely successful doctor. Then there are the friends I have had for a long time and they would be the first people I tell things to, but when I think about it, I haven't seen most of them in months. I guess it is one of those friendships that you just have and don't necessarily have to see each other that much. Caroline is like the closest college friend I've made, but she has a boyfriend so I don't want to take up too much of her time. I can't really imagine myself telling her ALL of my secrets but I always tell her about my day.

It's 3:24! This is insanely late but I still feel ok. I can't believe in one week I will be moving out of this sublet. I am excited. I really want to clean. I want to be one of those freakish OCD people who have like a seven step cleaning process or something.

Happy!

I'm NOT depressed

I just like to talk about what I think!

My eyes however, want to EXPLODE from strain. After eight hours of staring at a computer at work, I have a ton of things I have to take care of, but it requires me to stare at a computer screen even MORE and my head is starting to throb. When I come back from work I force myself to lie on my bed and close my eyes, but it does very little to help my eyeballs feel better, and it only makes me feel more lazy.

I'm feeling restless so I'll go to the gym. I don't particularly want to. I think after regaining a little stomach fat, I've lost hope again. I'll never be fit! GAH.

I wonder how I'm going to stare at myself in the mirror all day when I live in an apartment with two boys next year.

There's too much going on in the world

While showering, I had a sudden DING of realization for why I randomly become sad every day. I can't really label it depression because it only lasts a few minutes, maybe the length of a song or two. Basically, I think there's too much going on in the world and then I realize how little is going on in my life. Not to say that I don't enjoy my life because I do, but then I sometimes wonder how much more fulfilled I could be if I did this or that.

In freshmen year, which is the furthest I can remember, I would sometimes feel sad after going on DC++ because I'd realize just how much music there is in the world, and how little I have. Kind of materialistic in a not very materialistic way. So sometimes when I hear a really good song, I'll feel a mix of "YAY a new song to add to my library" and "I wonder what else is out there that I am missing"

Then sometimes I wonder, out of all the people out there, how many of them could possibly become one of my closest friends. Also, out of all the people out there, I wonder why I never really like anyone, and also if anyone has ever liked me. I'd hope that I haven't met all my closest friends already, although it sometimes feels that way, since I keep using TMV as a measuring stick for friendships, and it's pretty hard to compare to them.

I once struck up a conversation with this woman who lived in LA, like the real LA, not how we say we are from LA when we're actually half an hour away. She was telling me how she had met someone in college, then lost contact, then met her again at a party in LA. And she was like "you know how in LA, if you don't constantly go out, you're left out of the loop pretty quickly" or something like that. And having watched a ton of TV based in LA, I nodded because I knew this was true - life in LA does move incredibly quickly.

But one day I was thinking to myself, I don't experience that at all! I could say that the difference between me and her is that I'm an underage college student who doesn't actually live in LA, whereas she is an actual grownup living in LA who is kind of in the Hollywood scene (not an actress or anything, but she has a job that gives her access to parties with the Hollywood type) so it's more appropriate for her to be living that life. Still, I wondered, how come on Friday night I go to the gym and then sit around in my room? While I do enjoy riding the bus to SF on my own, grocery shopping on the weekends, or whatever my whim is, I thought it was kind of sad that I don't lead the crazy party life that is so heavily played up in shows like Gossip Girl (a great representation for the teen life). I don't even enjoy parties very much, but it's still one of those things you can only do for a certain time in your life before you become too old.

I never really act like a crazy teenager and make mistakes that I can laugh about later. I'm not going to try to become more irresponsible (that'd be unnecessarily foolish), but I'd say that my mistakes are along the lines of eating a one slice of bread too many for breakfast or not studying enough for a test. If anything, I've just become more paranoid about acting immaturely now that recruitment season is coming up. I keep googling my name and seeing if anything scandalous pops up, or checking my tagged facebook pictures to make sure I'm not red looking in any of them.

I'm so tired I can't end this entry properly. Ironic (using the incorrect definition) that I am ending this entry about wanting more in life with a "I need to go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and go to work" sentence. But so it is.

AGH IT'S 1:00! I know that given complete freedom to wake up whenever I want, I wake up almost exactly seven hours after going to sleep, but always before 9:30. I want to start waking up at 6:30 naturally every day from now on. Currently I wake up at 7:00.

I love this

And now off to work

Where is this coming from?

I normally get PMS seven days before I actually get my period. It's marked by sudden annoyance at people, crazy cravings for ice cream or frosting, and bloating that drives me insane. I think my period ended last week. So I wonder, where is my sudden bitchiness coming from?! I have no clue. But I know where my fatness is coming from - eating freaking half of a large of a Little Star Pizza last night. To give you perspective, Eric, Alvin, Jackie, Connie, and I (that's FIVE people) shared a single large and we were all satisfyingly full after. I shared a large with only Alvin yesterday, and I ate TWICE that amount. I don't know why I do these things to myself. It's like self-masochism.

I kind of went to bed knowing I'd wake up feeling very terrible about myself. I was not only "pretty happy" with my stomach last week, I was actually like WOW this is where I would want to be if I couldn't actually be toned! And it lasted several days so when I woke up today and saw how far I had fallen, I was like OH MY GOD. I honestly believe that it took me six weeks of eating very little to get me to that place, and I destroyed it with the last three days. I'd like to delete what I just wrote because while I am fairly honest about all my thoughts when I blog, I think this is getting a little too honest with my body image. I guess I'll write what I really think in my microsoft word diary later.

Damn it, I have to run to class now. Apparently the most important thing you could have for school besides a computer and a printer is a freaking stapler. I always used Chrystal's and now I can't. Life is a lot more difficult when you can't staple papers together yourself.

Career Fair!

I'm super glad that I went back to the career conference thing because it was surprisingly informative and fun. I watched all the Jon Stewart monologues on hulu.com and then dressed up and went to the Haas building. Lunch was AMAZING. Where does the money come from?! Oh yeah, all the alumni who donate (me in two years). There were like eight different sandwiches and I got one that was a chicken wrap with spinach and mango. Seriously the BEST wrap I've ever had. (UCSD's banana wrap falls under a different category). They had drinks like giant bottles of Snapple, and if I were juice-drinking person, I would have been super excited. The box lunch came with fruit and a cookie, and THEN they had another dessert bar after too.

But that's a lot about food. HAHA I talked to an accountant for PWC and then a recruiter for Deloitte. Talking to a recruiter was probably the high point because he was interesting and someone I'm actually likely to see again next year. Then there was an etiquette lecture, which I expected to be boring as hell but it turned out INSANELY good. New things to watch out for:

- Wear name tags on the right side
- Maybe get a manicure before interviews/career fairs
- Get a better wallet that isn't falling apart
- Eat before going to events with food, because it's horribly awkward to try to talk and eat at the same time

Then we could choose two panels to go to: I chose accounting (obviously) and consulting (just to try it out). The only thing I've gathered about consulting is that it's the job people say they want when they have no idea what they want to do in business. I think it's crazy that the more I learn about accounting, the more I like it. I always wonder to myself if I'm just overlooking a better career or if accounting is just marketed in a way that sounds like a good job. But sitting in the consulting panel just made me realize how little interest I have in the field and conversely, how much interest I have in accounting. So yay!

But now that I ate that delicious lunch, I feel the need to exercise it off. I woke up feeling less thin than yesterday :( So I will go swimming now. This time WITH my goggles and swim cap!

Note to self: DRESS UP

I think my brain has not been working lately because I'm so used to just going to work and doing the set tasks or going to class and just listening. Yesterday I walked halfway to the pool before I realized that I forgot my swim cap and goggles, so instead of exercising I ate dinner with Alvin. Today I was supposed to go to a career conference to learn how to get a job and be successful but when I got there almost everyone was in business casual wear and I was like ... holy fuck. They had people coming from big firms and I was sitting at the PWC table debating whether or not to make a break for it. I totally did because there is NO WAY I'm going to be sitting in my tshirt and jeans in front of an actual employer.

The good thing is that I signed in, and they gave us leather binders! Which has been on my "to buy" list for a really long time. And there's a program inside, so I think I'll sit here and watch some tv before PUTTING ON A DRESS SHIRT and going to lunch, which is the main part of the program anyway.

Lessons learned:
- Wear nicer shirts to any Haas sponsored event
- Abs & Back class really works because two days later, parts of my body still hurt

And, YAY! I think I'm actually satisfied with my stomach now. Stage 1 is complete! Which is, no longer squeezing my stomach going "WHYYYY!" Stage 2 is getting toned! Which is ... very difficult. But if Helen Mirren can do it at age 63, I would like to think that I can too.

The bleak future

I think it's rather unfortunate that I'm learning economics and I'm constantly using finance.google.com at a time when nearly all the headlines tell me that I'm going to graduate during a recession. It's like every day I'm reminded that life is not going to be as easy as it would have been if I were born a little earlier. Sigh!

This summer is like a roller coaster of emotions, and it's all very internal. As if there could be external emotions. Maybe I am pushing up my mid-life crisis by twenty years. Actually, I assumed I would get my mid-life crisis in my thirties so I guess I am only pushing it up by ten years.

I hate how I think about things so much. It's getting to the point where whenever something happy happens, I always think "OH NO, will this last forever?! I don't think so! BOO" or if something normal happens, I always think "IS this normal? Is this a sign that I'm getting older? How would others view this?" I would like to just enjoy life for what it is and not think about it, but I am a big planner and that makes me ALWAYS look ahead to the future, which is unfortunate. At least I don't wonder about the past, otherwise that would be way too much thinking.

I should actually be writing my business proposal right now. BOO. I'm so tired. And super full. I bought a $11 crepe today and ate it really quickly when I probably should have just eaten a peach and let that be my dinner. Not only am I concerned about my weight, now I never want to spend money. And then the over thinker in me is like "do I not want to spend money because now I realize what it takes to make money? Or is it because of the poor economy? Or am I just super cheap?!" GAH *claws at brain*

Random ass thoughts I had while taking the Bart back from work:

- How many people in the world are completely happy with their jobs? Or at least, how many people view their jobs as something enjoyable, rather than something they settle for or something they just have to do? I realize that no one loves their jobs 100% of the time, and I certainly don't expect to. I just hope I'm happy the majority of the time. I keep hearing all these stories about people who hated the business world and decided to do something else and love it now. But there HAS to be at least A FEW businesspeople out there who actually LOVE their jobs, right?

- Sometimes when I generalize about the people in Haas, it worries me to think that I'm part of that group. One of the reasons they have mandatory summer school for us is because it's the one time we'll ever be in a class together without other majors. I assume it's supposed to be good, but the more I see how the majority of Haas people think, the more uncomfortable I feel. Obviously we do not all think the same but there is a definite leaning towards certain viewpoints.

I tried typing out a lot of examples but they're all too lengthy so whatever.

- I really don't think I'll ever be satisfied with my life. I think I am only happy when I have a goal, and to have goals, I seem to have to stress myself out. So after I got into Haas, I was pretty satisfied for a few months. Then, Haas begins and I'm in classes with tons of people who are just as or even more qualified as I am. This is hundreds of students. There are hundreds more who are not in Haas, but will also by vying for the same jobs that I'm hoping to get. There's no more "OH MELTANG I'm sure you can do it" because I think in terms of experience and ability to sell myself, I lie somewhere at the bottom 40% of the bell curve.

If, no, WHEN, interviewers ask me "what makes me unique? what makes you different from all the other applicants?" I have NO EFFING CLUE. I am an Asian girl who is trying to get into business. My life so far has pretty much been defined by the grades I got and the school I'm in. My life in the future will probably be defined by the job I have and the things I own. There is not a fascinating reason behind why I want the job I want, nor do I have any particular aspirations beyond getting a job that will support myself.

- I was watching something and someone basically said all her crushes were with unavailable people. I wonder if you could define crushes as liking someone who is unavailable, because to the extent of my poor memory, I have also only crushed on unavailable people. If I were to go back and redo my list of fives, I remembered today that one of my regrets was not going after someone I crushed/liked but now I will never see the person except by pure coincidence.

Shit I really have to get to work.

New favorite place to study

I woke up around 8:30 today and got ready to eat breakfast. I'm constantly amazed by how many choices of fruit we have at the dining commons. In my freshman year, I would go crazy and get eggs, potatoes, pancakes, an english muffin, about three bowls of oranges, and then a donut. I learned to control myself, and because there is just so much fruit, now I end up eating eggs (a must), potatoes (unless they're tater tots, which I think are very disgusting), and then one-two grapefruit depending on its sweetness, two bowls of oranges, two bowls of strawberries, a nectarine/peach, and then I steal a banana. Some days there are plums and there have been plumcots from time to time, which are a happy surprise. There are also cut cantaloupes, honeydew, watermelon, and apples that I never bother with. Breakfast at Crossroads is $5.50 which I now realize is very cheap when I have such a large selection of fruit right in front of me. But this only happens in the summer and towards the end of the year when most fruits are in season, so I won't be fooled into getting a meal plan next year.

When I left for breakfast, someone in the house next door began blaring music. I didn't mind so much because I actually liked some of the songs. When I came back, they were still blaring music, and now I suspect that someone had been playing Guitar Hero, but I don't know how Guitar Hero sounds like, so I can't be too sure. I went out to Berkeley Bowl, which I now am more certain is not as cheap as Yelp makes it out to be. A lot of comments from Yelp also go along the lines of "people here are crazy with their carts!" "really rude shoppers!" but I don't see this at all. I think grocery shopping in 99 Ranch makes you desensitized to "rude shoppers." After watching several episodes of 30 rock (I STILL can't find the episode I want, but it's been fun searching for it) I decided to start reading for business. I was in for a nasty shock, when I opened the pdfs and found out that the readings were not one or two pages, but about 40 in total, not counting a thick packet assigned by my GSI which I will skim through tomorrow.

The loud music was still blaring six hours later, plus this room is too dirty and distracting to study in. So I stood in my room deciding whether I would go out and I'm SO GLAD I did ... because now I have a new study place that I love.

It's ... THE GYM. HAHAHA

So I basically spent five hours at the gym today, and I never exercised. I have two chairs picked out that are my "favorite spots" and I can tell I am going to become very territorial over them. So ... why the gym is a great place to study: first, imagine me studying at a small "cafe" within the gym, not in front of the ellipticals or anything. It's like a small space where they set up tables and chairs next to an area that sells food.

So why RSF is a nice place to study:

1) It's indoors so there's free AC when it's hot, but it's warm enough when it's cold
2) It's fairly close to where I live but far enough that I won't easily get up and leave
3) I'd be too embarrassed to sleep in the gym so I force myself to stay awake. The same cannot be said of the library
4) There's food that I can buy with meal points if I really get hungry
5) There's wireless internet
6) But there are too many people walking by so I'm not tempted to look through facebook or youtube
7) The women's locker room is just down the hall, so I have clean toilets and clean drinking water at my disposal, which is more than I can say for my sublet
8) The background noise of all the exercise machines is loud enough to drown out conversations but not so loud that it becomes distracting
9) The machine noise also keeps me awake without needing to listen to music, which is usually the #1 way I distract myself while studying (going through my music library usually leads to hours of downloading music)
10) I sit at a counter with stools, and I really enjoy sitting on stools
11) The counter is in front of this really nice view of the swimming pool, which also gives off natural light and gives me something peaceful to stare at when my eyes begin to get strained from the computer screen

Negatives:
1) The indoor lighting sucks so I can't really study in here at night, not that I would really want to
2) While the pool is beautiful to look at, there are also men in speedos constantly going in and out of the pool, so when I stare out (AT THE TREES, I swear) it probably looks like I'm just being a giant pervert

Now it's late. School tomorrow! Week 2 of 6. Kind of insane.

Look to your right!

What a stupid title. One day I won't have the player on the right and I'll look back on this post and think "what the hell was to the right of this?" I was looking through my xanga posts about a year ago and I remember I had so many entries that went like this:

OMG HAHAHA LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!

And then instead of a picture there would be that small X in a box and I'd be like ... ok ...

I've been looking for a free music player for a long time. And by looking I mean thinking "I wish I had a music player in my blog" and doing nothing about it. I wish radioblogclub.com were up again. I also wish comegetused.com were functioning because I'd like to make a quick buck. Anyway, I just came back from Trader Joe's and decided I'd sit at my computer before going out. That somehow led to me browsing through random blogs (I'm always in search of a new blog I can spend several hours reading through) and one of them had this music player! Ok it just lagged. Piece of shit. Oh well. You get what you pay for.

Now it's an hour later. I'm deciding whether I want to take the bus to Emeryville to go to Ikea/shopping then SF, or if I want to explore the 52L bus. I also have homework to do. I also have in my hands the first season of 30 Rock, which Brian lent me. I'm searching for the episode with the clip below but I seriously cannot figure out which episode it's from. Naturally, I decided to just rewatch the entire season.



Now I'm off ... I've decided to go with Ikea to look for throw pillows. Because once I get throw pillows, then I can buy cloth to make covers, and that's like a whole other project that will entertain me for days. This summer is strangely like my last summer of doing whatever I want, only in a different city and without TMV to call up. I have six weekends left before school starts, four of which are during summer school time:

July 12, 13 - I guess today is Ikea, pillow making, then tomorrow is Jon's house since I've kind of wanted to shower in a clean place again
July 19, 20 - Explore the 52L and walk around Claremont?
July 26, 27 - Play with Angelica? Or go to SF Zoo or something touristy
August 2, 3 - Cleaning the apartment! Which is something I've been imagining in my head for the past two months
August 9, 10, 12 - Probably gearing up for finals
August 14-21 - Ideally TMV would come up but alternatively I could go down ... or sit around the apartment and get ready for the school year and career fairs
August 22-24 - RCSA retreat in Lake Tahoe
August 27 - SCHOOL TIME!

Peaceful awakenings

I think yesterday was the fifth time I was woken up from my sleep sometime between the hours of 2-5am to the sounds of drunken Irish boys singing Oasis - Wonderwall. It's really weird because I never wake up during the song, but about 30 seconds RIGHT BEFORE they start. It's like my body knows it's about to hear a free concert. I'd be much more annoyed but they actually sing it very well and it sounds kind of nice considering they're drunk. It's definitely a lot nicer than what Americans would sing, which would be yelling out the latest hit on the radio, probably a profane hip hop song.

Usually they stop after one song (and there have probably been tons of times when I just didn't wake up) but yesterday they started singing Champagne Supernova (a shorter version) and I started getting worried that they'd rehash all of their greatest hits. It's nice but ... I was still sleepy. Luckily someone who was also sleeping got up and really loudly slammed a door or window and it got a lot quieter. I really thought they were just outside on the floor but I guess they were actually outside.

I talked to someone else yesterday! He is from the frat. I used to really want to make friends with international students, and while I would still like to, it's probably more "useful" to meet someone who I'd still see after the summer is over. I realized either my facebook search skills are diminishing or facebook is getting a lot more privatized. I've met a lot of people in my classes and here but it's SUPER HARD to find them without their last name. Whereas before, you could probably get it with the first name and some random knowledge about them. And when I THINK I found them, I can't even click on their name because they've privatized it. Maybe I should do the same. I'm actually getting super paranoid about what I write/post online, considering internship season is going to ramp up. I think an interesting job would be searching for all those potentials on the internet.

I must go out to eat now before 8:00 strikes and the cafeteria is filled with high school students doing some sort of leadership program on Berkeley. Goodness, I wish I could tell them "stop trying so hard!" but I guess it got even more difficult to get into college. Also, ARGH it looks like that month of non-gymming and the week of splurging on food finally caught up. I AM UN THIN AGAIN. I guess I'll exercise later tonight

What have I been up to?

Just because I haven't said it in a long time ... OMFG I really need to diet. Well, not diet but really start a routine exercise schedule which I haven't had since June 14th. That's JUNE 14th! That's almost a month ago! I have to admit I'm kind of amazed that after a month of not really exercising, I don't want to kill myself, and I think I'm actually slightly thinner. But this is considering I eat very little. I'd like to keep the amount of food I eat constant, but add a ton more exercise, and my ultimate goal is to get rid of my lovehandles by the end of summer.

Rule 1: Crazy strict diet begins NOW until the end of summer school. NO giving into cravings, even if I know I'm about to get my period
Rule 2: Stop eating after 9:30, except for fruit. Which is very hard because I get out of class at 9:30, but it must be done!
Rule 3: Stop eating tons of food in a meal in preparation of going for long hours without food, since I just end up feeling terrible for the next few hours

My sublet: just got a lot better. Not cleanliness wise, god no. But my roommate came and I liked her. I think we could have gotten along. BUT funny thing. I basically talked to her for an hour and the next day we had classes. I come back from class at 9:30 and I'm concerned about disturbing her. I open my door and feel relieved to see that she is gone and the lights are off. I turn on the lights and see a paper on her table. Being nosy, I wonder what it is. I glance at it, then realize it's for me. I read a little bit and through her cursivey scrawl, I realize ... she freaking LEFT! And that's when I look around and realize ALL of her stuff is GONE.

While I'm a little sad that I won't be making an international friend after all, DUDE. I'm paying for a double but I'm living in a SINGLE. I can continue to do whatever I want in this room which for me means YAY I can change into my swim suit, change into my gym clothes, wake up super early, do sit ups randomly! AND she was apparently allergic to dust so before she left, she THOROUGHLY cleaned the room. As in, there are surfaces here I didn't even KNOW could be cleaned but she did it. I'm kind of in amazement that this summer turned out pretty well.

Haas classes make working feel like TORTURE. I thought work was fairly tedious but didn't mind it. But now that I have the feeling of going to classes, sitting at a computer for 8 hours straight is no longer appealing. My professors are awesome - one gives the most hilarious lectures I've ever attended. He's incredibly intimidating though because he will call people randomly in class and is a self-proclaimed smartass which is entertaining to watch but terrifying to know he just might call on you. If people visit this summer, I'm totally making them go to this lecture with me because you learn a lot, the powerpoint slides are hilarious, and you never want to fall asleep, despite the fact that the lecture is TWO AND A HALF hours long.

The discussion is not that great. I'm very glad I never took a philosophy class for fun now because DEAR GOD I want to kill myself. I'm too logical to care about theoretical what ifs and shouldn't the world be THIS way? It's only an hour long, but it feels much longer. Whereas the 2 over twice as long lectures kind of fly by. My business communications class is pretty interesting - half the time I feel like my professor is just talking about whatever comes to his mind but I can see how it all ties into the concepts.

Classes are fun and I've already been very sociable with others. I like the environment - it's like going to college for the first time again, only now with a much more narrowed down group of people. I love how professors can make jokes about Arthur Andersen or business classes we all took and everyone laughs. I feel myself being much more interested asking others what they want to do when they graduate, since we're closer in fields. Everyone is very friendly and willing to make new friends, I think because we all have had to be somewhat sociable in order to get positions/experiences that got us accepted in the first place, so I don't really see anyone who I would normally label "the quiet kid in the back." Also, it's the beginning of the next two years at the school, and we all know we're going to see each other in classes, so everyone is more willing to make an effort, whereas in other classes there's the sentiment of "after this semester I'll never see these people again."

It's also very intimidating because every now and then someone will mention "oh I work for this firm" or "I had to turn down an internship from insert huge company here" and I'm kind of like shit... These ARE the people I'm competing with for jobs/internships next year. I have to start preparing everything for career fairs in November because I already know time is going to fly by. Eek! Things to do: buy a leather binder, make a better resume, lose weight, learn to apply makeup better. HA

Every day I can't believe this summer is going by so quickly. My countdowns are all REALLY soon. I started classes this Monday and the midterm is next next Friday. I keep thinking "ugh after this week I will be so tired from having work and school the entire week" but when I think about it, that only happens for two more weeks before my work ends. Then I have two weeks of ONLY school, which is only two days a week, and then THAT'S ALL!

The footsteps program I got into is a little more troublesome than I thought - for one of the three days I have to go to San Jose, and I have no means of transportation because the Bart doesn't extend that far. So I have to ask one of my aunts if I can go to her house and see if she is willing to take me to the office early morning. I rarely speak to this aunt so it seems kind of weird to call her up and ask for a favor. But I guess that's what family is for. Asking favors.

SO TIRED! I don't know why I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Oh, youth

Yesterday was AWESOMEEEE. We didn't do anything CRAZY but it was like "whoa. HANGING OUT. This is fun!" There were no long talks about our thoughts on life and guesses about the future. It was just the old Meltang makes her round of calls to everyone in TMV, there's about a 30-50% success rate, we decide on a place but no one wants to commit to it, people arrive and wait for the latecomers, after some deliberation we decide to change places, we eat, we sit in Danny's car and drive RANDOMLY and DANGEROUSLY, we end up in Pasadena, we go to Danny's house, and we play video games for five hours straight before someone caves and decides it's time to end the night. In short, THE EPITOME OF TMV!

I think I might have made some gleeful squeaks when Danny went like 110mph on the freeway. LOVE!!! HIS CAR. LOVEEE Danny's driving. :) Love how he blasts Acceptance in his car and it just feels so right. Everything yesterday was like "omg I'm young again! Young and carefree!"

NOW another day continues! I'M SO EXCITED.

Life is backwards

I'm pretty sure everyone has heard "being an adult is not that great" but no one ever listens. I did not. Or, I would listen to some of the things and say "yes I agree that this will come true but I won't mind!" I don't know if I should just go around calling myself an adult already. I've realized that people who are only like six years older than me still think I'm a fetus. Let's just say I am an adult and in six years I can post another entry about how naive I was at nineteen.

These are some expectations I had and they are slowly being crushed. I talked to a friend who is doing a summer internship at a Big4 and we agreed with each other on every point. SO I'm not just crazy cynical.

False: Making money is fun
True: Making money is not fun. Making money when you're an "adult" implies that you actually have to pay for your own shit. So instead of looking at a paycheck like "YES TIME TO SPLURGE!" it's more like "ok ... there goes a huge portion to taxes. Now 80% goes to rent, 20% goes to food ... oh ... that's it." Also, even if you do make enough to spend it every now and then, THERE IS NO FREAKING TIME to actually spend it because you're working all the time

False: Having your own little "bachelor pad" is the shit
True: Living alone, whether it be some dingy room in a frat house or one of the most expensive studio apartments in Berkeley, is FREAKING LONELY. You come home, you throw your stuff on the closest surface possible, and then ... you're by yourself. Considering I still live at school and I still have friends in Berkeley, it would be possible to still call up someone and ask them to hang out. But after an 8hour workday, all you want to do is never move from the chair you just plopped down on. The idea of making plans, much less actually going out, is incredibly daunting. Also, having your own place just means that you spend the weekends cleaning it and stocking it with food so you don't have to worry about it during the week

False: Dressing up for work is fun
True: For a woman, it effing sucks to have to wear heels all the time. At least, it sucks for someone like me who pampers her feet with sneakers and wears heels like three times in a year. I am still kind of in love with the idea of walking around the SF Financial District in my businesswear and fitting in with every other intimidatingly sharp looking person there. But AGH the cost of having to buy all these suits and heels and bags? God.

As hateful as this entry sounds, I actually don't hate my summer at all. When I think about it, this might actually be one of the best summers of my life. Honestly, every year of my life has been really awesome. My summer might not be the constant happiness that it usually is (which is something Chrystal would disagree with because she think I'm a very unhappy person), but I've done something exciting and new every weekend of this summer. When I walk home from the gym, I always pass the F line and the only thing stopping me from hopping on it and taking a spontaneous trip to SF is that I don't want to carry around a wet swimsuit. I plan on doing so one day though.

I've had time to myself, I've had time with friends, and every day I have something to look forward to. It just changes between "Eek! TMV is visiting me!" to "Eek! San Francisco!" to "Eek! July 4th at home!" and then after that it'll be "Eek! Summer school!" and finally "Eek! Moving into my apartment!" And then my summer will be over. That's a lot of Eeks. Compare to last year where it was like a constant "yay friends!" but nothing huge ever happened.

The negative of this summer is that now I'm just constantly counting down the time I have left in school. I guess it's nice that I realize this will end soon and I should make the most of it, but I also wish I could just live freely without constantly worrying if I AM making the most of it.

It's 2:20 am now, which is about three hours later than I sleep on the weekdays. I'm prepping myself for hangout time with TMV. Seriously, I think it's incredible that I go home for vacations, wake up around 7:30 and stay awake until sometimes 2-4am socializing with TMV.