Day of Nothing

*I was contemplating posting this to my secret blog instead of my public blog because I don't like having super long entries in my public blog. But Laura says I have not blogged in a while (only two days honestly) and I knew if I didn't publish this tonight, I would have just deleted it. So here you go. I plan to control my blogging though, so hopefully I won't write about anything for a while*

It's 11:00 and I'm hoping to sleep within the hour. I went to sleep at midnight yesterday and woke up around 6:30 which goes to show that I can't sleep more than 7 hours! My face is starting to break out - maybe stress is finally starting to work its evil on me :(

I realized that I had quite a bit of free time today. I had a lot of things I COULD have done, and it was interesting to see what I decided to do instead. So my day consisted of:

1) Gym
I went on the elliptical but for some reason I was too lazy to do the rowing machine. I may be paranoid, but I think I lost some of my back muscle. I wish I had shoulder blades that could CUT. Rowing isn't very fun anymore. And it's very easy to just stop rowing, whereas on the elliptical, it actually takes some effort to stop your momentum.

2) Work
I was deciding between going to the Haas Computing Center, going back to the RSF to study accounting, or going to work. I decided to work, partly because I ditched yesterday and had to make up the hours, and also because I am in love with my current iPod playlist and I love to work when I have good music. I can tell I am going to be one of those people who try to escape life's problems through work. I have done it a lot this semester. When I have a whole crapload of stuff to do and a ton of things to stress about, it's very comforting to just go to work and put in the hours and KNOW that I'm being productive about one thing at least, even though it may not be the most productive use of my time.

3) Class
I think the most LOL moment of today was when I walked into Andersen auditorium, stood in front of the room, searched for Kristen, saw her, then made a "let's get the fuck out of here" motion. She laughed and we walked out of class before it ever began. HAHA I was sitting in my other accounting class, trying to remember what we had learned in managerial yesterday. I realized I had absolutely no idea, and I figure, why waste an hour falling asleep when I could be ... eating ice cream with Kristen in my apartment. Which is what we did. HAHA

4) More work
Sometimes I get very annoyed while working because it is such a dead-end job for me. I like how I get a paycheck. But I am not going to get a full-time position and I feel like I've already learned all the things I could use in future interview answers. I wish I had done something else this year, like another job. I wish I had more things on my resume or more experiences to talk about.

I get the impression that working in Souplantation during high school was actually a much smarter decision than I thought. I really just did it at the time because I wanted to work in a restaurant and I didn't think I would have the chance to do it again once college started (that may not be so true now! HAHA Can you imagine if I went to college for four years and just ended up back at Souplantation?). But yeah, I think having that on my resume piqued several recruiters' interest just because it was a name they recognized and wasn't something that people usually include on a resume. Now that I'm applying for more positions that have nothing to do with accounting, I really regret not doing EVERYTHING I could have possibly done in college. I wish I had gotten another job for more experience, or taken more leadership roles or joined other clubs. I have absolutely no idea what any of these would have been, but I just wish I had. Seriously, I somehow pull out the craziest experiences and lessons learned from the few leadership roles I've taken on, and it makes me wonder what more I could say if I had done other things.

5) Rikyu Sushi
omg I haven't had sushi in so long. Sometimes I think that the most compelling reason for me to go back to Arcadia is just so I can eat Ichima Sushi. I do not like, no that is an understatement, I HATE the Berkeley sushi restaurants, at least the ones near campus. I know there are good places in Solano and obviously in SF but I never have the chance to go out there. Luckily, my niece has a car so we drove down to Rockridge. There were only three other parties that ate in the restaurant the entire time we were there. It is kind of depressing - I know it's a Wednesday, but I think the bigger issue is that people aren't eating out as much anymore, especially not sushi which is pretty expensive. My niece and I spent the entire dinner talking about how craptacular the economy is which made me feel 1) old and 2) sad about life.

But the sushi was AMAZING. Oddly, I didn't like the tuna too much and couldn't even recognize it as tuna. But the salmon was melt in your mouth and the albacore mmmmmmmm. I can't decide what my favorite sashimi is. I generally LOVE tuna. I think salmon agrees with me the most, but I've eaten that ever since I was young so it's not as special as albacore. Salmon is like Breyer's Coffee Ice Cream - more common and still fantastically good, but albacore is like Ici's Earl Grey - probably just as good as the Breyer's but because I don't eat it as often, it's 10x better in my mind

6) Read the news
I was supposed to study accounting, but I decided to read the news. The news is so depressing. The poor economy has trickled down to everything! Even my precious television. I feel like this is the first thing in my lifetime that will be written into history books that I will actually have a perspective on and memories to tell. 9/11 didn't really affect me too much, I was too young to remember a life before the technology boom, and I know nothing about the Iraq war. But I know TONS about how the economy has affected me personally and people around me. I wonder what catchy phrase they are going to label our generation with. Not even just our generation, but all the different age groups - old people who have to deal with retirement plans getting wiped out, middle aged people who get laid off and have to restart their entire careers, and the college students graduating into a shitty job market. How are they going to generalize our emotions and motivations?

This is my own perspective and I wonder whether other people would think that this is similar to their situation.
1) I think that a few years ago, I was highly concerned with finding a career that would suit me, that I would really enjoy and would mean more to me than just a paycheck. I really think auditing was that career for me, and even if I don't get a job right out of college, I can see myself continuing to pursue it in the long-term. But I'm currently under the mindset, AS LONG AS IT'S A JOB, I'll take it. I don't care how much it pays, whether it requires me to move, whether the work culture fits my personality, or how it fits into my long-term goals. I just freaking want a job

2) I wish I could hide out in a grad school for a few years until the economy blows over and I can
go back out into the job market with an extra degree. I find it ironic that I went into business being told that it was extremely practical and THE MAJOR to guarantee me a job and now, not only can I not find a job, but I also think it would be impossible for me to apply to any grad school with this major. Which means I've somehow led myself into a giant dead-end.

3) I am the kind of person who plans out their life very carefully and has to know exactly what the end game is and the exact steps I'm going to take to get there. But now, I'm kind of forced to think more like, ok one step at a time, don't think too far in the future because nothing is certain. It's kind of scary yet at the same time, very relieving to know that I don't have to think about what I'm going to do after I graduate, because my greater concern is figuring out what I'm going to do this summer. All of my concerns are much more short-term now, I think because the long-term is just so overwhelming.

4) As opposed to freaking out constantly about not having a set future, I feel like most people can take a little comfort in the fact that so many people are in the exact same position. I think it was ... Christina ... or Leneve? who was like "I actually feel better! I don't think there's so much pressure to immediately find a job because you can just blame the economy." I stress out, sure, but I don't think I stress out nearly as much as I would have in high school.

So it's now midnight. I took an entire hour to write this blog. You probably took three minutes to skim it and decide that this entry was not worth reading. I was just thinking about this today. So the background is, I met a person a few months ago and I was just like OMG HOW IS SHE SO AMAZING? I don't know her at all, but just from the few conversations and my facebook stalking, it is obvious that she is very talented in a ton of things, and involved in a lot of different things. I guess I met her around the time that I realized how much I fail at life, so it was like WOW I suck and then WOW I suck A LOT relative to some people! So for the past semester I've been kind of like, what DO I do with my life?! How do other people spend their days and why is mine so unproductive? What are people's hobbies and how do they fit it into their days? I know everyone says they just go online and surf the internet or chat with friends, but is that really true? I say that's my hobby too, but I want to be able to say something more than that. I find it really embarassing to realize that what I do for fun is waste my life browsing the internet and constantly checking to see if a webpage has any recent updates.

I realize now that my hobby is apparently blogging and it takes up about 1-2 hours of my day. What a freaking useless life.