Things I used to do but don't anymore

1. Gym twice a day, elliptical in the morning and swimming at night
2. Make a daily schedule the night before and actually follow it
3. Resist eating desserts and unhealthy foods
4. Watch a movie without falling asleep
5. Do all the homework of the week the weekend before
6. Take a ton of pictures
7. Read for fun
8. IM people and have an extended conversation without wondering what they want from me
9. Worry about my GPA (I now worry about getting a job and not getting laid off)
10. Watch TV without playing tetris
11. Search for obscure music

I am very, very unhappy with myself. I've eaten so much today - I ate an entire Crepevine meal when I wasn't even hungry. Hopefully I will remember this feeling, because I seriously believe this was THE DAY that gives me the resolve to diet for a good solid block of time. I wish I didn't have to have A DAY OF GLUTTONY to force me to diet. I want to be back at a point where I would happily go to the mall and try on clothes, or when I don't force everyone to delete pictures of me, or when I can step outside without feeling embarassed about how I look. It would be nice to have my own personal Jillian Michaels who would yell at me and force me to exercise until I throw up.

I really like the Biggest Loser because the trainers are very "no bullshit," and just follow a very simple "eat less, work out more" equation. They toss aside all those little health facts that websites like MSN.com occasionally post. I realize now that, even if they are true, they probably do more harm than good. Things like, "after working out to a particular exercise, your body will stop responding" or "muscle weight is heavier than fat, so if you get heavier it may not mean you are eating excessively." I'm sure to a certain extent, they are true. But I also suspect that these are things that people cling to as an excuse, and the people marketing these ideas are profiting from our desperation to have a reason for our fatness - any reason besides eating too much and not moving enough. I now have images of Biggest Loser contestants doing insane physical feats and I think to myself, "I am not pushing myself hard enough. I don't think I ever have." I would like to stop perpetuating this image of my being fit, when I know I am extremely weak and probably wouldn't last against most of my friends in a fitness test. To do so, I will try to stop writing "I went to the gym today" in my blog.

Although I have all these fantasies of myself swimming laps at night and jogging the uphill streets of Berkeley, I look at my schedule and wonder, when am I going to have time to do anything? I think I may have to start waking up at 6:30 am to do all the fitness stuff that I want to do, because I already know I don't have time at night. It's very difficult for me to figure out how I want to balance gymming vs. socializing because both are very important to me and I feel like both are things that are best done when young. At least I no longer value academics as highly anymore. I want to buy nice clothes, but I don't want to go shopping until I have lost more weight. I want to go out and socialize, but I constantly think I do not have nice enough clothes to go out. So many things to improve about myself, and only so much time to do it all!

As much as I want to enjoy SATC, I have not reached addiction point yet. I don't think I relate to them at all. If they talked more about their jobs instead of trying to find a husband, maybe I would be more interested. Does the show even function on real time? I feel like every episode, Charlotte has a new guy that she is in love with and has been dating for several weeks. What is the appeal in Big? Does anyone think he is handsome or charming? My friend said that most people agree he is an asshole, but if you continue to watch, you realize that an asshole is probably the best fit for a woman like Carrie. Which seems like a very realistic but kind of sad message.

Agh it's so late and I have to go to the gym tomorrow.