Another "maybe next time" post

Every day I go swimming and all these thoughts go through my head. I just think about what I want to blog about, since there is really nothing else to do when you swim. But when I get home, I'm just so exhausted that I sit online and then decide to go to sleep. This has happened just about every night I've been back in Berkeley, and it's happened again! So when will I ever blog ... maybe by the time I get around to it, my feelings will have changed. Then it'll be like "if a tree falls down in the forest and no one hears it, did it really happen?" Is that even the saying? Because I don't get it if it is - obviously the tree did fall down. But anyway!

Thoughts I've had in the order that I'm remembering them, not in order of importance

1) Blog status
I remember people used to say "your blog is so funny! I enjoy reading it" and lately I hear more of "you are so honest in your blog." And when I say "people," I mean my readership of four. I wonder if this means my blog is less funny now. I think it is, since I usually just blog about my (unhumorous) thoughts. And I would really rather have a funny blog than a thoughtful blog, because I think the whole point of MY blog is to keep my friends entertained and also informed about my life. If I'm just talking about serious thoughts all the time, I might as well just write it in the diary I keep in a Word document. So I was like, how can I bring the funny back?! I don't know. I never even knew why some things I wrote were funny. Maybe they just sound funny when you read it and imagine my voice. So maybe I will try harder to write about random, light material

2) Friendship Ring!
I bought myself a new ring! I was walking around with Jonathan at the Bayfair shopping center, and I literally just thought "hey I have to buy a new ring while I'm at a mall sometime" and then I looked and there was a jewelry stand RIGHT THERE. I got one - it was 50% off so I only paid $8! I remember Ring Version1 was over $20. It's a lot thinner than the one I had before, so I hope it's still engravable (which I have to do whenever I'm back in Arcadia). It's kind of depressing to buy yourself a friendship ring when none of the friends in the group are with you. But the stores in Arcadia don't have my size, so I can't do it anywhere else. I'm just happy to have something on my ring finger again. I didn't realize how comfortable it felt to have something on my finger. I guess this is what people mean when they take off their wedding ring and it feels naked. Now my finger is weighed down by the love of TMV!

I'm realizing that I could possibly write everything I'm thinking of. So this is going to be a rather long entry. You probably won't want to read it in one sitting. If you do, you are a true friend. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

3) Appreciation pt1: Friends
After observing certain behavior, I've come to realize that I love the TMV boys. Like, REALLY love. I have no idea how we ended up being in a group where ALL the guys completely respect women, are incredibly considerate, and are fun, exciting people to be around. I've kind of taken it for granted that guys just normally come like that. Well, I always knew there were jackassy guys, but I figured I would never meet any. I really haven't met JACKASS guys, but I've seen guys who just aren't "well-trained" at all and when I compare them to TMV boys, I'm kind of amazed that I'm friends with them at all. How many times have I said "TMV LOVE" in the past few days? Probably every entry.

4) Appreciation pt2: Home
So the whole "I miss home" has finally hit. Two years after college. I love(d) Berkeley and I love(d) taking the bus up and down the streets and just living in somewhere as awesome as the Bay Area. But this past week in this sublet just completely increased the Berkeley factor by 1000 to the point where I was kind of thinking "god I hate the Bay Area - I'm not living here when I graduate." Living in dorms is not at all indicative of most Berkeley apartments, and I knew this, but still, living in this sublet just makes me so annoyed that this city can be so old and dirty sometimes.

Also, living in Berkeley for the summer is completely different from living here in the schoolyear. It's incredibly depressing to stay on campus when there is just about NO ONE here. WHERE are all the people?! It's Session A right now, which consists of people who are willing to have a three day summer before starting summer school. When I walk to the gym, there is NO ONE on the streets. Every day I feel like I'm one of few survivors after a deadly disease was set upon the human race. Or, that zombies attacked and those who are alive have fled to Berkeley.

I'm hoping my attitude towards Berkeley will change, since I am only half done with college. A few weeks ago I was like "OMG I can't believe I'm HALF DONE! NOOO" but now I'm kind of like "god. Only half done." BUT YET ... there is that other nagging thing, which is

5) Full time job - HELL
I had a post about this, but I HATE working full-time. It's not that I hate the job, and it's not that I can't work. We all know I'm a huge workaholic. But the fact that the job I have seems to be somewhat similar to the career I want, and the fact that I come home every day just displeased with my life really does not bode well for the future. Again, I LOVEEE my company (just in case there are prying eyes). Just kidding, I say that in all seriousness. The Redwood Shores office has a freaking break room with bean bag chairs, free food, and a Wii with Rockband. The office feels like a day care center since there are so many toys littered on the ground. So again, LOVE the company. I also LOVE the work. But...

I guess I've opened my eyes up to the real world. I am definitely experiencing first-hand the "when you want to be a kid, you just want to be an adult, and when you want to be an adult, you just want to be a kid." Everyone knows this and can understand the logic behind it, but I'm definitely FEELING it. And I'm not even effing twenty yet. I just always think to myself, omg. Is this my future life? Waking up and not being able to gym in the morning? Having my lunch limited to an hour? Going home and being too exhausted to do anything fun? Going home to an empty room/apt/home? Not being able to hang out with friends because I have to wake up early again the next day? Every day ... and the only dim, light ahead is the weekend. A measly two days where I can hang out with friends, but after college, even that will become "the two days where I can sit around at home and then go grocery shopping!" Oh my god.

There are just so many thoughts stemming from this. It's like, living here this summer set off a chain reaction of emotions. My mom says that sublet-wise, at least I've learned. But I don't really know what I can say about learning what a full-time job feels like. I've learned, but I can't change becoming unhappy with the way my life is going to turn out, because this routine is not going to change. America is not going to suddenly change up the 40 hour work week and I'm not going to say "OK Melissa is no longer going to work when she graduates! She's going to travel foreign countries and live life without rules!" because that is stupid and I would be even more unhappier. So I can either slowly, begrudingly accept this or go crazy

6) Kids ... yeah ... no.
I babysat for the first time yesterday. Jon had to babysit his cousins, so I went. It was honestly the first time I have ever interacted with a child for more than ... 20 seconds. It's pretty frightening. But OMG I was exhausted within two hours. They were very well-behaved too. We played teaparty and restaurant and wrote letters to each other and played Wii and tickletag. The kids were pretty cute. I talked more to Emma, Jon's 6 year old cousin. We started talking after she asked if I wanted to see the upstairs, which I actually desperately wanted to (more on that in part seven). She showed me her play area. We started hitting it off when she showed me her picture diary, and I asked "what is HSM" which she had written and drawn a heart around. Can you guess?

High School Musical

So I cannot ever be more grateful for that fact that Danny introduced me to High School Musical. I actually had something to talk about to a six year old child! I found it hilarious that our conversation went like this
Me: Oh! High school musical! Who's your favorite? Don't tell me you like Zac Efron
Emma: No! I like Gabriella
Me: Oh. Vanessa Hudgens? Yeah she's pretty. What about Ashley Tisdale?
Emma: Nooo

I don't know. I found it funny that I just talked about them using their real names and she used their fake names. So then she asked if I wanted to draw. Second self-hilarious moment - the fact that if you place my pictures and her pictures next to each other, they are VERY SIMILAR. I do draw like a child. A child in kindergarten.

Next hilarious moment of the night - Emma wanted me to "make a book with her" which consisted of a sheet of paper cut into tiny squares, which we would draw on. While doing this, this happened:

Emma: When I first saw you, I thought you were crazy
Me: WHAT?! WHY!
Emma: I don't know
Me: WHAT? Well what do you think now?
*Doesn't respond, continues to color*
So for the next fifteen minutes it was me going
Me: So Emma, do you still think I'm crazy?
*Doesn't respond*

I can't believe I still need social validation from a child.

But I find it incredible that children will think someone is crazy, but then still willingly show them around their house and play with them. But then I won her over with teaching her how to fold a note, which is something all Asian girls learned in middle school. She was thoroughly impressed. So she wanted us to write notes to each other, but she needed help spelling. So I thought this was cute

Things she wanted me to help her spell: "hope you had fun" "melissa" "good time"

So she wrote me a note saying "I hope you are having a god (sic) time with us. Love, Emma" and "I like you Melissa! Love, Emma"

SO, I WIN.

And she also said "will you come back?" "Do you want me to come back?" "Yes!" "But I thought you said I was crazy" "Well I didn't know you back then!"

SO, WIN AGAIN.

7b) Kids, in more detail
So that was a long section. Part of the "I hate living in the sublet" is that I enter, I go to my room, and I talk to no one. And it's sad because when you're in the dorms, that doesn't happen. And it's not that I want to talk to people in this particular sublet, but that I KNOW this is what living alone is going to feel like. I've wanted to live independently in my own nice apartment for years, but now I realize, Oh my god ... how depressing to come home everyday, throw your keys on the counter ... and not talk to anyone.

So part of me was like "wow ... I think I really do need to have kids, just to have that purpose in life." Or at least, I used to not really care about getting married or not, but I can tell that I would be incredibly lonely if I didn't live with someone. But, still after yesterday, I don't really think I'm parent material.

What I've learned from that day. Kids are fun but tiring. I can actually hold a conversation with a kid. I can give a 60-lb kid a piggyback ride. But, I still do not want kids, and if anything, I'm more certain that I don't. Why? Because 1) I have no idea how I would have said no to anything they asked me to do. 2) I was happy that I got a kid to like me, but I don't think I really enjoyed playing with children at all 3) Looking around the house, I was kind of like, omg I would hate it if a kid messed up my furniture. Which brings me to..

8) Need for surburbia
Ok, I'm privileged. So one of the reasons I'm a lot more sad, as part of the "ugh I hate how Berekley is so dirty" thought, is that I HATE how everything I've been seeing is so GHETTO. I freaking want to live in a place where it's not noisy at all, where there aren't cars parked on the street, where restaurant choices are not fast food only, where stores don't have to pull down metal bars at night, where I can go RUNNING at night without considering whether I have to bring pepper spray. And I know some people have never and may never experience living in a place like that. And I know going to Berkeley should make me more empathetic for those people. But I'm just thinking to myself "DEAR GOD I don't ever want to live or visit an urban city ever again."

So for a few days, I was like "no more Bay Area" but I know that the only Bay Area places I've seen are the places the bus can take me, and those places are just not going to be suburban. They don't have public transportation in the places I want to be in. So I still want to live in Bay Area, just as long as it's someplace like Cupertino or Danville. Somewhere unreachable by the Bart or the AC Transit.

And I was seriously getting very depressed. Jon's house was like a fresh breath of air - ASIAN FOOD! BATHTUB! NICE ASIAN PARENTS! CARPET! QUIET STREET! but going to Jon's aunt's house was like ... paradise. It was a house very much like houses in Arcadia. It was in a street very much like an Arcadia street. It was exactly the place I would want to live in, so when I entered the house, I just had an endorphin rush. If I were to go back to Arcadia, I kind of want to just sleep on the streets and take it all in. But the next time I go might be Thanksgiving, and it'll be too cold then. But omg, I miss home, and finally, not because I miss my friends but because I actually do miss the home I grew up in and the streets and restaurants I am used to.

8b) Future house
So there is this weird "I hate working full-time and I hate this dirtiness of urbanness" which created "I love Arcadia and its surburbanness" which then leads to "I absolutely have to live in a place like this when I grow up, otherwise I will just be completely unsatisfied with my life" which THEN leads to "And to be able to live in such a nice community where there are grocery stores a few streets away and I have my own little garden, I have to have a good job" which then leads back to "OMFG I HATE FULL TIME JOBS."

But yeah, future house. Seeing Jon's aunt's house was interesting because I LOVE IT. It's very modern, and the picture frames are very clean cut. But you can definitely see the schism between "what the parents bought pre-children" and "what the parents bought because of their kids." And part of the reason I don't want kids is the selfish, probably foolish notion of "I want to have my house exactly this and this way and I don't want to have to buy ugly ass children toys." So you walk in, the house is kept incredibly clean. Just watching the kids play, you can tell they've been brought up very well and they clean up after themselves and know not to draw on the couch and stuff. But imagine having to tell your kids and make them aware of not messing up the expensive couch you bought. I wonder how much time and training it took.

And then the living room is like, all this nice furniture, and all the kids stuff looks nice and fairly expensive and very well-coordinated as well. But at the same time, it's like, the rug is clearly from a kid-oriented furniture store. The backyard furniture consists of only kid play things, and one nice but looks rarely used patio table and chairs. It's just such a clear indication of how, once you have kids, they pretty much run your life.

Wow, I think I'm starting to run out of things to say. I think after this entry, I could possibly find nothing else to blog about

9) Random thoughts
- I need to steal a spoon and fork from the dining commons because I still can't eat cereal
- Shit, I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow for work
- Shit, I have to start going to Hearst gym to swim/shower and I've never been there
- I should probably start doing something more substantial than an hour of swimming
- I think I'm about to get my period soon, which is only going to make this sublet situation worse
- I've always hated clingy people
- I need to get an AA battery for my slowly dying mouse
- The only beacons of hope I have this summer are TMV friends coming to visit me, so I hope things don't come up and they decide not to
- I've only become cheaper this summer, and while it's ok for now, I hope it's not a permanent state of mind because saving money is respectable, but being a cheapskate is just unlikable
- None of the things I wanted to do this summer are going to be done, ie. watching movies every day, going to exercise classes, going running, getting a kickass body, learning how to cook...
- I guess I'm having my mid-life crisis now
- Are you still here? Incredible