Gosh darn it

I really was not planning on blogging. I was actually just checking my blog and I thought to myself "I would like to not blog until maybe Thursday." But sometimes when I read someone else's blog it makes me want to blog.

I will maybe write a little bit and then try to finish studying. So the prior weekend, I didn't study very much because it was one of those weird times where you can't study too early, because you wouldn't remember the material when the final comes around. So Friday-Sunday, I sat around the apartment a lot and didn't really care that I would learn one little thing every two hours. But NOW I'm kind of screwed because my exam is tomorrow and when I was reviewing things, I didn't remember like half of it. Fuckers. I also have to take the sample exam which I should have done by noon today. The exam is in twelve hours. I can't believe I wanted an A+ in accounting. Now I'm like "I hope I don't get an A-"

I get random cycles of loneliness. I am in one right now. Oddly, I think I get more lonely after something majorly fun happens in my life. Probably because the following days, I will do nothing and then I wonder "why can't my life just always be that fun?"

I feel like it is very hard to meet people in college. I kind of go through life with the perspective of "I probably will not see them again so it's ok if I don't get too close to them" which seems logical but it's probably faulty logic. I'm the type of person who makes few, but very close friends. I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who is friends with everyone, but only has superficial relationships. But I do wish I could have an additional group of friends in college. That sounds greedy. I have like, two groups, but one of them consists of people who are all older than me. And the other is people all younger than me, and most of them are going abroad next year. So I am thinking, what am I going to do next year?

I am listening to Paramore right now. I uploaded two of their cds onto my iTunes. All of their songs sound the same. I also need to pee but I hate getting out of this sofa because it is so cold and my toilet seat will be even colder.

I think, everything they say about Haas is true. And there are more ugly truths that are not said. But the main thing I'm thinking of is that "people in Haas are Haas-holes." I agree with it. I know that I am one too. I am cocky about being in Haas and sometimes I do feel a sense of entitlement. It is hard not to, when they throw all this free shit at you the second you get in, and then all the professors say things like "YOU'RE HAAS. Employers want you. You'll do fine."

I look around the classroom and I'm always like ... I don't want to be friends with any of these people. Which is very strange because I actually have a significant handful of Haas friends, but I became friends with them before getting into Haas. I know them through Li-Ting, who knew them from PBL. Whenever I meet new people associated with this group, they are like "are you PBL? RCSA? Or TBG?" Anyway, I think all of THOSE people are some of the nicest people ever. So there HAS to be more like them out there, sitting in those Haas classrooms. But I never get that sense of "hey, I could be friends with that person" when I look at people

Instead, I just see 1) overly confident, competitive people who are probably going into consulting because they don't know what they want to do in life, beyond wanting to make lots of money 2) fobby people who hang out in their own fob groups and are probably all going into finance 3) people who try too hard and seem really uppity and 4) people who just don't seem to care and are probably not in Haas

I get the feeling that in other majors, if you want to make friends, you make friends because ... you want friends. But in Haas, it just seems like you make friends to network. You make friends because you want information about jobs, or because you want to share homework solutions, or because "you never know when you might need someone." Every time I talk to a friend about how I haven't really made good friends in Haas, they are like "you really should though. You never know when they'll help you in the future." It's annoying because it's true. Do people even think like that in other majors? Maybe they do sometimes, but even then, it's probably not said so blatantly.

Despite my ranting, I assume this would not even be an issue for me if I HAD become close friends with some Haas people. I'd just be like "oh friends! YAY!" I think my problem is that thus far in life, I have enjoyed success through my own efforts. Some people, in high school, were able to do well because they made good friends who helped them out or sucked up to the teachers who always gave them a break. I think the number of those kinds of people increases when you get into college, and increases exponentially in Haas. I've always been kind of uncomfortable with that - doing well when it wasn't 100% your effort - but it is ridiculous to think that you can do everything yourself. Put very bluntly, I hope I can learn how to use people because you can only get so far in life by your own efforts. At some point, and I think that point begins with recruiting, it's who you know and what they can do for you.