I HATE BREAK

OHHHH MYYYY GOOODDDDD I cannot STANDDDDD being in my house right now. I want to go back to BERKELEY PLEASEEEE. I just want to spend an entire day cleaning my apartment. And then another day walking around streets. And then another day shopping. AGHHHH WHY do I always decide to go back as late as possible for every break? It is very stupid of me. I always think "I want to spend as much time as possible with friends!" but usually by the time other UCs go back to school, everyone is kind of tired of seeing each other every day and there is no longer that desperate need to hang out. And when they come back in the last week before I leave, no one really wants to do anything, whereas I am stuck at home having run out of fun ideas. So other people are kind of content relaxing in their houses while I'm sitting in the living room, staring at the trees in my backyard. True story.

It also brings up one of the things I hate, which is when I realize that I'm depending on certain people for happiness. I usually respond with "well eff that, I'm going to go out and find new friends and diversify my social tree" but I can't do that when I'm stuck in Arcadia because there is no way to meet new people, especially if I'm just going to go back to school in a few days.

Even worse is that I don't even really know what I COULD be doing with my free time. I have tried thinking of things I could do with my free time, but there is nothing I want to do. I feel no motivation to do anything, which is most depressing since I'm sure there are several ways I could improve myself. But I can't even muster up the energy to think of a list, because instead I just stare at my computer and decide that making this list is not worth my considerably vast amounts of free time.

I'm kind of tired of thinking about my life and analyzing things I've done in the past and things I want to do in the future. No shows to watch. Agh. AGHHH I SAY

TWO MORE DAYS. And then Tuesday will be a headache. And then school will begin. At this point, I can't even imagine myself doing homework or having a life. How do people live with unemployment? I'm so annoyed at having a meaningless life. WANT TO KILL MYSELF.