There's too much going on in the world

While showering, I had a sudden DING of realization for why I randomly become sad every day. I can't really label it depression because it only lasts a few minutes, maybe the length of a song or two. Basically, I think there's too much going on in the world and then I realize how little is going on in my life. Not to say that I don't enjoy my life because I do, but then I sometimes wonder how much more fulfilled I could be if I did this or that.

In freshmen year, which is the furthest I can remember, I would sometimes feel sad after going on DC++ because I'd realize just how much music there is in the world, and how little I have. Kind of materialistic in a not very materialistic way. So sometimes when I hear a really good song, I'll feel a mix of "YAY a new song to add to my library" and "I wonder what else is out there that I am missing"

Then sometimes I wonder, out of all the people out there, how many of them could possibly become one of my closest friends. Also, out of all the people out there, I wonder why I never really like anyone, and also if anyone has ever liked me. I'd hope that I haven't met all my closest friends already, although it sometimes feels that way, since I keep using TMV as a measuring stick for friendships, and it's pretty hard to compare to them.

I once struck up a conversation with this woman who lived in LA, like the real LA, not how we say we are from LA when we're actually half an hour away. She was telling me how she had met someone in college, then lost contact, then met her again at a party in LA. And she was like "you know how in LA, if you don't constantly go out, you're left out of the loop pretty quickly" or something like that. And having watched a ton of TV based in LA, I nodded because I knew this was true - life in LA does move incredibly quickly.

But one day I was thinking to myself, I don't experience that at all! I could say that the difference between me and her is that I'm an underage college student who doesn't actually live in LA, whereas she is an actual grownup living in LA who is kind of in the Hollywood scene (not an actress or anything, but she has a job that gives her access to parties with the Hollywood type) so it's more appropriate for her to be living that life. Still, I wondered, how come on Friday night I go to the gym and then sit around in my room? While I do enjoy riding the bus to SF on my own, grocery shopping on the weekends, or whatever my whim is, I thought it was kind of sad that I don't lead the crazy party life that is so heavily played up in shows like Gossip Girl (a great representation for the teen life). I don't even enjoy parties very much, but it's still one of those things you can only do for a certain time in your life before you become too old.

I never really act like a crazy teenager and make mistakes that I can laugh about later. I'm not going to try to become more irresponsible (that'd be unnecessarily foolish), but I'd say that my mistakes are along the lines of eating a one slice of bread too many for breakfast or not studying enough for a test. If anything, I've just become more paranoid about acting immaturely now that recruitment season is coming up. I keep googling my name and seeing if anything scandalous pops up, or checking my tagged facebook pictures to make sure I'm not red looking in any of them.

I'm so tired I can't end this entry properly. Ironic (using the incorrect definition) that I am ending this entry about wanting more in life with a "I need to go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and go to work" sentence. But so it is.

AGH IT'S 1:00! I know that given complete freedom to wake up whenever I want, I wake up almost exactly seven hours after going to sleep, but always before 9:30. I want to start waking up at 6:30 naturally every day from now on. Currently I wake up at 7:00.