The bleak future

I think it's rather unfortunate that I'm learning economics and I'm constantly using finance.google.com at a time when nearly all the headlines tell me that I'm going to graduate during a recession. It's like every day I'm reminded that life is not going to be as easy as it would have been if I were born a little earlier. Sigh!

This summer is like a roller coaster of emotions, and it's all very internal. As if there could be external emotions. Maybe I am pushing up my mid-life crisis by twenty years. Actually, I assumed I would get my mid-life crisis in my thirties so I guess I am only pushing it up by ten years.

I hate how I think about things so much. It's getting to the point where whenever something happy happens, I always think "OH NO, will this last forever?! I don't think so! BOO" or if something normal happens, I always think "IS this normal? Is this a sign that I'm getting older? How would others view this?" I would like to just enjoy life for what it is and not think about it, but I am a big planner and that makes me ALWAYS look ahead to the future, which is unfortunate. At least I don't wonder about the past, otherwise that would be way too much thinking.

I should actually be writing my business proposal right now. BOO. I'm so tired. And super full. I bought a $11 crepe today and ate it really quickly when I probably should have just eaten a peach and let that be my dinner. Not only am I concerned about my weight, now I never want to spend money. And then the over thinker in me is like "do I not want to spend money because now I realize what it takes to make money? Or is it because of the poor economy? Or am I just super cheap?!" GAH *claws at brain*

Random ass thoughts I had while taking the Bart back from work:

- How many people in the world are completely happy with their jobs? Or at least, how many people view their jobs as something enjoyable, rather than something they settle for or something they just have to do? I realize that no one loves their jobs 100% of the time, and I certainly don't expect to. I just hope I'm happy the majority of the time. I keep hearing all these stories about people who hated the business world and decided to do something else and love it now. But there HAS to be at least A FEW businesspeople out there who actually LOVE their jobs, right?

- Sometimes when I generalize about the people in Haas, it worries me to think that I'm part of that group. One of the reasons they have mandatory summer school for us is because it's the one time we'll ever be in a class together without other majors. I assume it's supposed to be good, but the more I see how the majority of Haas people think, the more uncomfortable I feel. Obviously we do not all think the same but there is a definite leaning towards certain viewpoints.

I tried typing out a lot of examples but they're all too lengthy so whatever.

- I really don't think I'll ever be satisfied with my life. I think I am only happy when I have a goal, and to have goals, I seem to have to stress myself out. So after I got into Haas, I was pretty satisfied for a few months. Then, Haas begins and I'm in classes with tons of people who are just as or even more qualified as I am. This is hundreds of students. There are hundreds more who are not in Haas, but will also by vying for the same jobs that I'm hoping to get. There's no more "OH MELTANG I'm sure you can do it" because I think in terms of experience and ability to sell myself, I lie somewhere at the bottom 40% of the bell curve.

If, no, WHEN, interviewers ask me "what makes me unique? what makes you different from all the other applicants?" I have NO EFFING CLUE. I am an Asian girl who is trying to get into business. My life so far has pretty much been defined by the grades I got and the school I'm in. My life in the future will probably be defined by the job I have and the things I own. There is not a fascinating reason behind why I want the job I want, nor do I have any particular aspirations beyond getting a job that will support myself.

- I was watching something and someone basically said all her crushes were with unavailable people. I wonder if you could define crushes as liking someone who is unavailable, because to the extent of my poor memory, I have also only crushed on unavailable people. If I were to go back and redo my list of fives, I remembered today that one of my regrets was not going after someone I crushed/liked but now I will never see the person except by pure coincidence.

Shit I really have to get to work.