One day I'll look back...

I got my first midterm of the semester back. The good news: I scored above the mean. Which I feel like I haven't done in a very long time. The bad news: I didn't do nearly as well as I had hoped. Of course, I don't think I would have been happy if I got anything less than a 98%. I think it's unnecessary to say whether I got above a 98% or not.

Depending on whether I get an internship or not, I'm going to look back on college and think one of two things:

1) I was stupid to have worried so much about getting an internship every waking moment because I somehow got one.

2) I was stupid to be so carefree my sophomore year, and consequently, I am doomed to a miserable existence.

I really feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack by the end of the semester. I just want it to be ... February. The Big 4 Forum is January 22nd, so I should hear back about first rounds after a week or two after that. Right now, I'm just concerned about making it past the GPA cut. I hate this feeling of not having done enough. I used to think that getting a bunch of B's last semester was worth it, since I became good friends with my floormates. I kind of take it back now. If I could live without this constant feeling of unease, I would prefer that much more. I SERIOUSLY think about it ALL the time. Writing this blog is not really cathartic either. I'm just sitting here thinking about it as I type each sentence. I think I've made it even worse because as I proofread this entry, I think about what a shitty situation I've put myself in.

I'm starting to hate it when I talk about this to people and they respond with "I'm sure you'll get it - you just worry too much." Looking at my GPA now, I'm like NO. I'm pretty certain that I'm REALLY FUCKED. My grades took a pretty steep nosedive after I got into Haas. I was sitting in microecon today, wondering how I became so ... incompetent. I always heard that Haas classes are easier, but they have pretty much kicked my ass. Am I really just that stupid? Or maybe I did not actually deserve to get into Haas, but I was one of those random mistake admissions.

Ok. I'm going to make this the very last time I talk about being stressed about the idea of getting an internship, at least until January 22nd rolls around. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to the gym, sit around the apartment, go to class, and then watch a SHITLOAD of Mad Men. NOOOO the library closes at 5pm! Then I'm going to go to the gym, watch Mad Men, go to class, watch more Mad Men, go back to my apartment, sit around, swim, and then sit around some more. And after that, no more time wasting for the rest of the semester!