That's so sad

I didn't notice until my retreat this past weekend, but a common response to things I say is "That's so sad"

Examples:
- "I hope to die at 45." "That's so sad"
- "I don't believe that people necessarily marry for love." "That's so sad"
- "I think if someone cheated on me and I had been with them long enough, I'd just let it slide" "That's so sad"

HAHA. When I choose examples like those, all of which have actually occurred, I guess I can see why.

---

So that's how I wanted to start off today's entry, which I have wanted to write for the past twelve hours. INSTEAD, now all I can think about is how PISSED I AM about the fact that I took one of the coldest showers EVER. WTF WHY is there no hot water in this fucking apartment?! I'm pretty fucking pissed. Either this place IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT or TOO MANY PEOPLE are using the hot water. In which case, people should use all the hot water they want, because apartment buildings should HAVE the ability to support hot water usage. ARGH ANOTHER reason to add to my "Why I now really hate Berkeley apartments" list. Ok, I would like to end rant here and resume scheduled blog, but I kind of forgot what I had wanted to say and how. Fucking apartment.

---

I did not realize just how much I have thought about my life this summer, until I just started spilling stuff out to Andria and Kristen. I was surprised by how seemingly well-thought out the things I said were, even though it was the first time I had thought them in my head. It just started with us evaluating the retreat (awesome!) and Kristen the club president was like "we're doing this for you, so you know what to do next year" and I was like "I don't even know if I am planning to become an officer next year" which caused everyone to go "WHAT?!" It is complicated only because after this year, I will be the only officer who is not graduating, so it would be kind of weird if I didn't do it the next year I think.

Later, Kristen asked me about my decision, which made me just talk for a very long time. I wonder why I am so open and talkative with people now, but it was good because I guess it made me think about more things, and made us a little closer. So it was like "why don't you want to be finance officer? Do you not like RCSA" and I was like no! I love RCSA! But at this point I always wonder what my motivation for doing this is. And I said something like I do it out of obligation and I don't enjoy some parts of the position, and they were all like "that's so sad!" which made me wonder because I didn't think it was sad at all - just the truth. I feel like I've never done anything because I really wanted to. It was always either as a step to something else (college, Haas) or out of a sense of obligation (if I don't do it, people will look down on me).

And then Kristen was like "well what would you be doing then?" and I was like "well ... I guess nothing?" and she was like "what are your hobbies?" and I was like "I go the gym ... I go online, I go to school, I watch tv." So the idea is that I have no other pressures and nothing competing with RCSA, which is true. I just don't really want to do it.

Before that discussion I had for some reason said to Andria that I was considering graduating early. It's an idea I toyed with sophomore year, but decided against because I was like "why would I cut college short?! I love college!" I totally forgot about the idea until literally this weekend, when I was just laying in my sleeping bag, and I was like "you know what ... I remember that while I was working full-time this summer, I thought that I should savor school because work is just so tiring and painfully neverending. But at this point, two weeks after I last worked, I just don't remember that feeling and now I'm thinking 'why stay in Berkeley if I dislike living here.'"

I can easily graduate a semester early - I can graduate a year early if I put some effort into it, but that would be pretty unnecessarily difficult. Academic wise, I'm just wondering if I should take more business courses, like marketing or whatever. Things that interest me, but in my experience, every class I've taken out of interest has turned out to be my least favorite class. There is not much difference financially, because either I'm paying for an apartment here in Berkeley or paying for whatever I would be doing that free semester. Careerwise ... I would think that if I got an internship for next summer, then it doesn't matter what courses I take senior year since I would have gotten a job offer. Life experience wise, I feel like as long as I set out what I want to do with that free semester I won't squander it by sitting around the house.

Caroline was like "why don't you just think about it," but trying to graduate early isn't really a decision that you can't take back. If you decide not to, you just take more classes. So I don't know... right now the only reason I can think of graduating on time would be if I don't get an internship, which would put all of my career plans in a tailspin.

Ok, enough of that. Chrystal just imed me and I was like OH! Someone I can ask. She basically says it is a cost effective plan and asked me all the right questions like "wouldn't you get angry about having so much free time" and "what would you do with the free semester." I forgot she plans to graduate early as well, which is why she is probably more agreeable to the idea. Chrystal always knows how I would react and thinks about things logically.

More about the retreat and less about my thoughts...

I really liked this retreat, which I didn't expect to. Last year was fun because I was close to some of the officers. This year, I felt like I was only close to Andria but now I feel closer to more people at the end of it. The house was amazing although I kind of think Bodega Bay is an isolated dump. It's too ... farmlike for me. On the way up we stopped by a few restaurants and one of them was a creepy bar where people stared at us, probably because we were Asians. I think the things that worked for our favor were that 1) most of the coordinators didn't know each other, so there weren't any cliques like last year 2) we all seem fairly similar and compatible 3) the Olympics were on so we bonded over that.

We were assigned a meal to cook depending on which branch you belonged to. I had to manage Saturday breakfast, which was good because I feel like that's easier than dinner. I noticed that all the great cooks, even in this group, were ALL GUYS. I feel like this is something about our generation - more male cooks than females. Our Saturday dinner was AMAZING - and it was prepared by like 5 boys and 1 girl. AMAZING. Best garlic bread ever - sourdough with a ton of butter, minced garlic and parsley. It was crazy how we stocked the fridge to the brim with Costco food, and all of our meals were practically from scratch (not counting pancake mix), but everything just tasted so much better than anything we would have gotten from a restaurant. I am reinspired to cook for myself.

There were so many people who were just like "just throw this in" or "let's try this." I know that's the sign of a great cook - but I just can't do that. Like putting paprika on eggs ... I'm like WHAT?! And ground beef pancake - that was kind of funny. I also thought it was interesting how ... we all did our part. If it had been TMV, there would have been several people (including me) who wouldn't do as much, and some who would take the lead. But this weekend, everyone helped out when they were assigned and didn't put up a fuss, some would help as needed even if not assigned the meal, and it just seemed like people cooked/cleaned for fun, and not because they felt obligated to. No one had a set out "role" so we were all kind of equals and it was great to cook one day, and then have the privilege of waking up and just sitting around while others cooked. Normally I'd feel kind of uneasy, but the system made it feel completely ok. It felt much more ... family like in a way. Probably like the way Connie L and her aptmates feel when they cook. I really liked it but I don't think I could do the friends cooking every meal together thing, because it takes SO much time and quite a bit of money.

But yup - retreat was $45 and not even including the house cost, I think $45 totally covers food costs. As finance officer, I know how much food really cost, but I totally would have paid like $15 for both breakfasts, $25 for dinner, and maybe $8 for the lunch if we had gone to restaurants instead. The games we played on the beach turned out to be pretty fun and everyone full-out participated which was nice. Saturday night, we ate our crazy awesome dinner, had a long ass meeting, and then talked/ate even more and waited for the Olympics gold medal basketball round. It was the first time I've ever watched a full sports game, and it was SO FUN. I liked how there is a clear team to root for (obviously go USA) and everyone was into it and screaming and feeling tense about how close the game is. I totally see the appeal in Lebron James now - he is crazy cool. I would love to be the US basketball coach - he is the Duke University coach. can you imagine going back to your college team and saying "I coached Kobe and Lebron James - suck on that."

Also, Daniel made the most delicious apples ever but I will never experiment with it because it's like a heart attack waiting to happen. He says he threw some butter in a pan, chopped up some apples, sauteed them, and then put in brown sugar, syrup, and cinnamon. Amazing.

The thing that makes me incredibly sad is that my camera is messed up. I'm thinking sand got into it, and now the lens doesn't fully protract, so it doesn't focus and I can't take pictures now. I think I might have to send it in for repairs, and now I'm super worried about spending money =L

What else is on my mind? I feel like I have more I want to say but I don't really know what.

So back to the graduating early idea - what would I do with my free time? I thought of this a year ago, but I think I would want to learn how to surf. Like, devote my time to just surfing and not worrying about other things. I know that is unlikely to happen because I worry the most when I technically have nothing to do. Lately I have the idea of just renting an apartment in SD and learning to surf there, since I know the area is pretty nice and it's a popular surfing destination. Maybe I can get a small part-time job, I don't know - just for spending money. I just realized that this would start the month of January though - probably not the best time to go surfing. Maybe I can travel? I hate the idea of traveling though - I don't want to do it. I guess I have to think about this some more. But just because I can't surf immediately doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. Hmm

Tomorrow is errands day. Shit fuck my life.